Falling
by kahhtina
Summary: In this modern Downton Abbey fic, Mary broke up with her college boyfriend four years ago. When he suddenly comes back into her life, her world is turned upside down as she sorts through old feelings, new acquaintances, and a man who just won't go away. Mainly Mary/Matthew, but also includes the rest of the cast (Sybil, Tom, Edith, Anna, Carson, etc).
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1**

Mary sighed as she handed her coat over to the restaurant hostess before being led across the main dining room to a private room for her youngest sister's engagement party. Sybil and their parents had already arrived, along with their middle sister Edith.

"Where's Tom?" Mary asked when she entered the room, as her mother and Edith adjusted a few of the table arrangements. Sybil ran over to peck her oldest sister on the cheek.

"He's stuck in traffic, although he's only a block away. Bloody rush hour," she whispered, aware that their father didn't approve of his daughters' swearing. Mary swore Sybil picked it up from her fiance. Or her college roommate, Gwen. Robert was sitting near enough to hear, although he pretended to be engrossed in his iPhone instead of calling her out on it. Mary went and sat in the empty chair beside her father, giving his shoulder a squeeze as a greeting.

"How many people are coming?" Edith asked as she counted the number of chairs again.

"Um, about thirty, I think. Not counting us or Tom and his family."

"Who else is coming?" Mary asked, searching her purse for her lipstick.

"Um, Thomas, Gwen, William, and Daisy. And of course, Elsie and Charlie Carson wouldn't miss it. They're so fond of Tom. Granny and Aunt Rosamund. Anna and John Bates. Some friends from Tom's office. Richard Clarkson is coming. Some of the girls from the studio. Oh, and Matthew Crawley."

Mary nearly dropped her lipstick. She carefully placed it back in her bag as her entire family looked at her.

"Matthew's coming?" she asked, forcing herself to sound offhanded about this news.

"You know he and Tom were roommates at uni. He's asked Matthew to be his best man," Sybil said apologetically. "Please don't be upset."

"Oh, of course I'm not upset, darling. Why should I be upset?" she asked, smiling.

"When was the last time you saw Matthew?" Edith asked. Mary knew she only wanted to hear the story. But it was one she'd only ever told to Anna. And she'd made her best friend swear to never utter the words to another person. Not even to her husband John.

"It must have been four years ago," Mary said evenly. "My, what a long time."

"Mary, I'm so sorry I've blindsided you with this," Sybil said, rushing to her oldest sister's side. "Tom didn't find out that Matthew was moving back into town until Saturday."

"Oh, he's moving back?" Robert asked, looking up from his iPhone. Cora shot her husband an angry look, which caused him to return his focus to the phone once more.

"Please don't worry about me," Mary instructed Sybil. "I'm fine with seeing Matthew again. We broke up ages ago."

"Are you sure?" Sybil asked. Mary forced a smile, giving her sister's arm a squeeze.

"Of course, darling. Tonight's your night, so don't worry about a thing," Mary instructed. Sybil beamed, kissing her sister's cheek again. Then her finance Tom Branson walked into the room and dear Sybil forgot anyone else was even there.

Mary clenched her fists under the table. She had lied to her family. She was not ready to see Matthew Crawley again.

* * *

The lights had been dimmed and most of the guests had already arrived. Except for Matthew, to Mary's relief and trepidation. She felt as though she were at war with herself. She didn't want to see him again, but at the same time she did. Although she would never admit this to anyone, Mary still thought about her old college boyfriend who she had wanted to marry. If they hadn't wanted different things after they graduated, she wondered if they'd still be together. She wondered if they would be married by now.

_Am I still in love with him?_

Mary sat at a half-empty table with John and Anna, who were talking with Charlie Carson and his wife, Elsie. She pretended to listen to their discussion on the upcoming election, although most of her attention focused on the door. It was a small comfort to Mary that she had bought a new dress for the occasion, which Sybil had helped her pick out. She knew she looked stunning in it.

"I'm going to get a drink. Anna, do you want anything?" Mary asked her friend, no longer capable of sitting still.

"Nothing for me," Anna replied, making a small motion to her slightly swollen abdomen. Mary smiled before getting to her feet.

"We have water, you know" she joked. Anna swatted her arm and Mary moved away, heading for the drink table.

As she crossed the room, two more guests entered the room. She looked over, her eyes meeting her ex-boyfriend's blue ones. Seeing Matthew again was like being punched in the stomach. Seeing him arrive with another woman made Mary feel as though someone's hand was clenched around her heart. She stood motionless in the middle of the room for a moment, unsure of what to do.

As Matthew looked back at her for a few seconds (although it felt like ten minutes), everything she'd felt for him came rushing back. He looked so handsome in his crisp black suit, his blue tie perfectly matching the shade of his eyes.

"Matthew!" Tom's voice broke through the din in Mary's head. He rushed over to his best man, shaking Matthew's hand and clapping his shoulder in a rough greeting. Aware most of the party was watching her reaction, Mary forced a smile and moved nearer to where Matthew stood with his date.

"How lovely to see you, Matthew," Sybil said earnestly, casting an apprehensive glance toward Mary before she kissed Matthew's cheek.

"Hello, Sybil," Matthew said in a friendly voice. No one could ever dislike Sybil. Mary realized how much she'd missed hearing Matthew's voice.

"This is my girlfriend, Lavinia Swire. Lavinia, this is my friend Tom and his fiancee, Sybil."

_Girlfriend?_

"It's so nice to meet you both," Lavinia said sweetly, her eye noticing Mary. "And you must be Mary!" Lavinia said with much more enthusiasm than Mary had expected.

"Um, yes," Mary said, faking her own brand of enthusiasm that was not quite so animated as Lavinia's.

"It's so nice to finally meet you! Matthew's told me everything about you!" the other woman said, clasping her hand around Mary's. Mary wanted to hate her so badly, but she was so kind and disgustingly sweet.

"I hope not," Mary said with a forced laugh, glancing at Matthew. He looked uncomfortable, but not entirely unhappy to see her. He smiled slightly and Mary looked away.

"Well, not everything, of course," Lavinia said with a smile, apparently oblivious to Mary's discomfort. " I'm sure we'll be good friends."

Mary had no response and Sybil noticed her sister's tension.

"So, Lavinia," she said, taking the woman's arm and leading her away to the drink table. Mary didn't catch anything else Sybil said, but Lavinia didn't seem to notice what had happened and only smiled back at Sybil.

"Sorry to burst in like this," Matthew said, trying to catch Mary's eye again. "It's been a long time." His voice was low and rich, just as Mary remembered it. It made her feel safe and comfortable, but on edge at the same time.

"Four years," Mary replied, her heart skipping a few beats as she looked up at the man who used to know everything about her. And now he couldn't.

"How have you been?" Matthew asked. It seemed Sybil had taken it upon herself to introduce Lavinia to the rest of the party, sans Matthew. Mary was glad, although she doubted she should be left alone with the man who broke her heart four years ago. Or whose heart she had broken.

"I'm well," Mary said, present circumstances omitted. At the moment she felt quite weak at the knees and a little dizzy from her close proximity to Matthew. "I'm assistant editor at the magazine now."

"Wow, congratulations," he said, placing his warm hand on Mary's arm and giving it a gentle squeeze. "I'm really proud of you, Mary."

Mary felt herself color at his touch and his accompanying words of kindness. And the way he said her name. It was just as it used to be. As though he was kissing her. Why did she still feel this way?

"And what about you?" She asked, carefully extracting her arm from his hand. Physical contact was not helpful if Mary wanted to stay away from Matthew. "Are you winning any big cases for yourself?"

"Not yet," he replied, smiling. "Although I was made partner at a very prestigious law firm in northern London. That's why we moved back."

"We?" she asked in a momentary lapse of composure. Matthew cleared his throat, slightly embarrassed. His ears turned slightly pink, a trait Mary had always adored. She pretended not to notice, hoping Matthew no longer remembered her fondness for it.

"Lavinia and myself," he restated, clasping his hands together.

"Oh, of course. How wonderful," Mary said, faking more enthusiasm. "How long have you been together?" She didn't really want to know, but her curiosity got the better of her.

"A little over a year," Matthew admitted, watching her carefully. She smiled as warmly as she could. "We met in Manchester-at the university-Lavinia just got her undergrad in primary education."

"My, how interesting," she replied, trying to hide the irony in her voice, though unsuccessfully.

"I know what you're thinking," Matthew said, frowning slightly. "She's not as bookish as you would have expected, is that right?"

Mary swallowed, her heart racing from his scolding tone. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that. She seems very sweet," she forced herself to say. She smiled her fake smile, the one she gave to the staff writers when their work wasn't as perfect as she wanted it to be, but there was no time for re-writes. Luckily, it seemed to work on Matthew.

"She is," he replied, smiling back at her. "I think you'd like her."

Mary only continued to smile, wishing she could disappear into the floor.

"You look beautiful," Matthew said after a few moments of silence. Mary felt her stomach contract happily, but she pushed the feeling aside.

"Thank you," she said, smoothing her hand self-consciously over her dark purple dress, her fingers playing with a bit of lace. "Sybil helped me a bit."

"Oh, naturally," Matthew said, his eyes straying to the rest of Mary's dress. He smiled, his ears still pink. "Well, you're still as lovely as ever."

Mary smiled her thanks. "Well, you should get back to Lavinia," she said, aware some of her friends and family continued to watch their exchange.

"We should catch up sometime," he said, shifting past her. He nearly reached out to touch her arm again, but he pulled his hand back at the last moment.

"Mm, that would be lovely," she said, not really believing any such meeting would ever occur.

"Lavinia would love to know you better," Matthew replied, as though that justified his desire to talk to her again.

Mary nodded as she inched towards the doorway. "Of course," was her noncommittal reply. "Pardon me, I was just going to the loo."

Matthew nodded, watching Mary as she turned and walked out of the hall. Mary didn't realize that he stood motionless for a few moments after she exited, his mind racing with thoughts of the woman he'd never stopped thinking of even after four years.

[Thank you for reading! Please review with any thoughts or comments you have. Updates will hopefully be once a week!]


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

Mary stood in front of the sink of the public toilet, her hands shaking with the tension of the last few minutes. Her heart still raced from her short interaction with Matthew. The room was empty, but still she forced herself not to cry.

As she gripped the counter, she allowed herself to remember the last time she'd seen Matthew four years earlier.

_There was a sudden rap on the door, causing Mary to start from the file she'd been working on for her internship. It was after ten in the evening, but she knew Matthew would come by at some point. She walked to the door, wondering why he wasn't using his key to let himself in._

_"Darling, where's your key?" she asked tiredly, kissing his cheek out of habit and her general pleasure at seeing him. Despite the fact that he seemed to be in a foul mood. Only the opening of the door had stopped his incessant knocking._

_"I forgot it," Matthew said, stalking across the threshold of her apartment. He looked more agitated than she'd ever seen him. She shut the door and followed him into the dining room-slash-living room where he started to pace like a madman, as though something was weighing heavily on his shoulders._

_"What's wrong?" she asked with confusion._

_"I heard back from the University of Manchester today. I was accepted to their Ph.D. law program," he said, running his hands through his hair. He chanced a look at her and Mary saw something that looked like desperation in his eyes._

_"Manchester?" she asked, sitting on the couch. "Manchester?" she repeated, the octave of her voice rising in panic._

_"Yes," Matthew said, taking a seat beside Mary. He reached out and took her hands in his, staring at them as he ran his fingers over the backs of her hands._

_"I knew you applied, but that was months ago. Didn't you apply somewhere closer to London?"_

_"Of course I did. But they gave me the best aid. Tuition reimbursement, a stipend. And Manchester is only two hours away by train," he said quietly. "Or you could come with me."_

_"What?" she asked, pulling her hands from his grip and getting to her feet. She started pacing now, unable to process Matthew's words. "Move to Manchester?"_

_"Mary, this is the best opportunity for me," he said, watching her as she moved about the room. "You know I can't afford to pay for something like this. Not all of us have trust funds."_

_"Please, don't bring up the difference in our financial situations," she said, growing annoyed as she walked away from him. "That's hardly my fault. I have my internship here and a great prospect of a job once I'm through. Couldn't this be the best opportunity for me?" She asked him._

_"Mary-" Matthew said and she turned toward him. He was no longer sitting on the couch, but had knelt down a few feet from her, a small box in his outstretched hand._

_"Oh, God, Matthew. What are you doing?" she asked, her heart contracting madly._

_"Marry me," he said, opening the box to reveal a small ring._

_"Matthew," she said with a moan. "Why are you doing this?"_

_He got to his feet. "Because I love you," he said, taking her hand again. He softly kissed her palm, sending a chill down Mary's neck. "Please come with me," he breathed, his lips still against her palm._

_"Please don't ask me to do that," she replied, slipping her hand out of his grip. She avoided his gaze and crossed to the window, looking out on the city without seeing anything. Her eyes burned as she forced herself not to cry. She hated shows of emotion when she was angry or upset. Even in front of Matthew, she never let herself break down completely._

_"Why?" he asked. He took a few steps closer to her, but maintained his distance._

_"We're too young to get married," she said, not entirely believing the words herself. "Everyone would say so." Despite her feelings for Matthew, fear gripped at the edges of her mind, forcing her to be rational._

_"Screw everyone else," Matthew said and she turned around to look at him. He closed the gap between them as he spoke. _"Do you love me enough to spend your life with me? If you don't then say no. If you do, then say yes."

"I want to-"_ she began, blood rushing in her ears as Matthew touched her cheek with his fingertips. She inhaled sharply. He had obviously been in the library all day, for he smelled like parchment and laundry detergent._

_"Mary."_

_He whispered her name gently, like a kiss, as he put his other hand on her waist to gently pull her close. His fingers trailed down to her neck and he held her gaze, the intensity in his eyes making it hard to exhale. Neither of them seemed to breathe for a moment and Mary could only hear the sound of her own heartbeat and a slight ringing in her ears._

_After what seemed like an eternity, Matthew bent forward to slowly close the remaining space between them. Unable to wait for him any longer, Mary suddenly pressed her lips against his. She seemed to take him by surprise and caused him to stumble backward slightly before he regained his footing. Mary's back was against the wall, her hands gripping the sides of Matthew's face._

_Mary could feel his smile form against her lips, but she ignored it. She knew this kiss wasn't what he thought it was. She ran her fingers through his hair, across his neck, his chest. She wanted to memorize everything about him. She kissed his jaw, her lips moving down to his neck._

_"Mary," he repeated her name. His voice was so tender, his hands so gentle on her skin that she had to pull away. "Is that a yes?" he asked, still smiling as he brushed his thumb against her cheek._

_She kissed his palm for the last time and pulled away. She felt her eyes burn once again, sure she would cry at any moment._

_"Nothing's changed," she said. "We can't get married."_

_Mary saw a shadow of pain fall over Matthew's face and Mary felt as though her heart had dropped into her stomach. She knew she was causing this pain, but she couldn't stop herself. She couldn't marry him._

"I'm not a puppet,"_ he said angrily, stepping away from her._

_"I'm sorry," she whispered, dropping her gaze to the floor so he wouldn't see how close she was to crying._

_Neither of them spoke for a few minutes. Finally, Matthew broke the silence._

_"I'm just glad I found this out now. Before we went and did something stupid," he said, his voice thick with emotion. "I guess this is it for us, Mary. _I must take charge of my own life again."

_He turned to leave, but he first set the box holding the ring on the coffee table. As he walked toward the door, Mary spoke._

"Would you have stayed if I had accepted you?"_ she asked. Matthew stopped and turned toward her._

"Of course,"_ he replied. Mary swallowed, unable to stop a few tears from falling down her cheeks._

"So I've ruined everything?"_ she said, wiping at her eyes._

"You've shown me I've been living in a dream, and it's time to return to real life,"_ Matthew said, his own eyes wet with tears._

_He looked at her for another moment, longing in his eyes. Mary wanted to ask him to stay, but she couldn't bring herself to utter the words. She was much too stubborn to ask, and much too selfish to give up everything. Her heart ached with sadness as she stared at the man she loved, knowing that she was willingly letting him go._

"Wish me luck with it, Mary. God knows I wish the best for you."

_After these final words, he turned on his heel and left. The door clicked softly as it shut behind him, but it sounded loud and hollow in the emptiness of the room._

_Mary sat down beside the coffee table, her fingers wrapping around the small box he'd left behind. She pressed her lips against the velvet box, allowing the tears to fall freely now that she was alone._

"Mary?"

She pulled herself from her daydream, her eyes damp with remembrance as she turned her head to look at Anna. She blinked away her tears, forcing herself to smile.

"Are you alright?" Anna asked, coming up beside Mary and placing a gentle hand on her friend's arm.

"Oh, Anna," Mary said, her composure breaking slightly. "Why did he have to come here?" she asked as Anna searched through her handbag for a tissue. She handed one to Mary who blotted at her eyes.

"I know it's hard, but Tom's his best friend," Anna said in an attempt to be comforting. "Was this the first time you'd spoken since it happened?"

Mary swallowed. After his failed marriage proposal, Matthew had gone to Manchester and Mary hadn't seen or heard from him since. She avoided hearing any news about him, even from Tom, with whom he had clearly remained in contact. And her friends learned to never speak of him.

"Yes, but I was just being stupid," Mary said, drying her eyes hastily. "I have no reason to feel the way I do."

"Surely that's not true," Anna said gently. "After everything, it's natural that you still care about him."

Mary nodded. "I just never expected to see him again," she said truthfully.

After a moment, she said, "I should probably get back to the party." She forced another smile. She knew she'd be wearing it the rest of the night.

"I'll meet you in there," Anna said, giving her friend's arm another gentle squeeze. Mary nodded, leaving Anna in the loo.

She was determined to pretend she was fine.

No one could know that she was still in love with Matthew Crawley.

[Please note that I've included some of the dialogue from season 1, episode 7 for this chapter. Downton Abbey is property of Julian Fellowes, not me. Within the flashback, dialogue from the show is not italicized. Thank you to everyone who has reviewed and favorited the story so far! I really appreciate your feedback and lovely comments. And thanks to my bestie, Kristin, for all her help and ideas!]


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter Three**

"Mary, I put Matthew and Lavinia at our table for dinner," Sybil said, coming up to Mary as she returned to the room.

Mary noticed that Matthew was back with his girlfriend and both were engaged in a conversation with with Tom, Daisy, and William. "Is it alright if Matthew and Lavinia sit beside you? Since they don't know anyone. I'd hate to sit them with Tom's work mates."

"That's fine," Mary replied automatically. It wasn't fine, but Sybil mustn't know that. Besides, it was Sybil's engagement party. She could do whatever she wanted.

"You're my hero," Sybil said, kissing Mary's cheek enthusiastically. Mary smiled mechanically at her younger sister before Sybil left to join Tom again.

Mary sighed softly, her eyes meeting Matthew's for a moment. He smiled at her and she looked away, walking over to stand with her parents, who were talking with Elsie and Charlie Carson.

"Are you alright, darling?" Cora asked quietly.

"I'm quite well, Mama," Mary replied in a stoic voice as she took a glass of white wine from a waiter passing by with a tray. She smiled before taking a sip, if only for something to do. Mary glanced over, noticing Matthew's arm around Lavinia's waist and her hand resting on the back of his neck. She absentmindedly ruffled her fingers through his hair and Mary felt her stomach contract angrily.

She was going to need a lot of wine to get through this night.

* * *

Somehow they made it most of the way through dinner without anyone bringing up her past relationship with Matthew. Mary had managed to engross herself in a conversation with Granny, who was endlessly baffled by the update on her mobile phone, and her father, who loved to talk about business. Especially with Granny.

So close. And then-

"How did you and Tom meet?" Lavinia asked Sybil as the dinner neared the end of the third course.

The entire table turned their attention to Sybil as she smiled, happy to be the center of attention once again. She giggled, looking at Tom who simply motioned for her to tell the story.

Sybil _loved_ to tell the story.

"Well, I was visiting Mary during her first term at uni," Sybil began, smiling across the table at her sister, who tried to smile since everyone had turned to look at her. But as Sybil started talking again, Matthew's eyes lingered on Mary longer than they should have, causing her to blush slightly and return her attention back to her sister.

"We were in her room, listening to music and chatting about her classes when some obnoxious-" (here she turned and smirked at Tom) "arse came and banged loudly on the door." (When Sybil swore Granny scoffed and their father cleared his throat awkwardly.)

"That'd be me," Tom grinned, kissing Sybil's cheek.

"This, of course, made Mary very angry, so she got to her feet and wrenched the door open to tell the person off and this guy stood there in an Irish football t-shirt and shorts, looking like an idiot. His roommate-" (with a glance at Matthew) "stood behind him and it seemed that neither of them liked Mary very much."

As Sybil continued, Mary's thoughts drifted to what she remembered from that night.

_Mary stood at the door, glaring angrily at the two boys from down the hall._

_"What's your problem?" she asked as Sybil sat on the floor of her room, looking past her sister at the handsome boys in the corridor._

_"Your music's too loud," the first one said, grinning roguishly at the two girls._

_Mary sighed, rolling her eyes. "It is not," she said, getting ready to slam the door in their faces when the blond-haired boy spoke._

_"We have to work on our project for economics class," he said, the tone of his voice making it obvious that it was the last thing he wanted to be doing._

_"My sister's visiting," Mary said, annoyed that he'd obviously brought his roommate for backup. Twits, she thought to herself._

_"I'll keep an eye on her while you work with Matthew," the first one said, winking at Sybil. "I'm Tom Branson."_

_Sybil got to her feet to stand slightly behind Mary._

_"I'm Sybil," she said. Mary could hear the smile in her sister's voice._

_"No way," Mary said, holding her arm in front of Sybil to keep her from moving closer to the boys. "We can work on the project later."_

_"I'm busy the rest of the weekend and it's due on Monday. It has to be today," Matthew said obstinately._

_"Whatever," she sighed with resignation. "No drinking, no smoking, and stay in public places," Mary ordered Tom, who only grinned wider._

_"Yes, m'lady," Tom joked. Mary glared at him before turning to her sister._

_"Be back at eight," Mary said, her voice more gentle when speaking to Sybil. "Text me if you leave campus."_

_"Don't worry about her," Tom said._

_"Shut up," Mary shot at him._

_"I'll be fine," Sybil said reassuringly. "Remember I took those self-defense classes? I'll kick his arse if he tries anything."_

_Tom's face fell slightly, but it was a firm warning. Mary knew Sybil could throw him over her shoulder if she needed to._

_"We'll be back later," Sybil said, grabbing her jacket from Mary's desk chair._

_"You kids have fun," Tom said, giving Matthew a sly wink before leading Sybil to the stairwell._

_Neither of them spoke for a few moments._

_"So, uh, where do you want to do this?" Matthew asked awkwardly. "My room?"_

_"No," Mary said, wrinkling her nose. "I'm sure it smells like sweat socks in there. Get your stuff and come in here."_

_Matthew sighed before heading back to his room. Mary watched him walk down the hall, a little embarrassed that her eyes lingered on him longer than she had intended._

_She clenched her jaw as she walked over to her desk to grab her econ book and Macbook. For the past two months, she and Matthew Crawley hadn't exactly been getting on well together. Both he and Tom seemed to think she was a snob and Matthew seemed to dislike her the most. Usually Mary wouldn't care that he didn't like her, but it bothered her and she didn't understand why. It actually made her angry to think about how much it bothered her._

_Matthew returned, his arms laden with a few books and a notebook._

_"Where do you want me to sit?" he asked, glancing around her impeccably organized room. Mary rolled her eyes at him._

_"Just sit on the bed," she said in a tense voice. He did as she instructed, but made an obnoxious display of sitting primly at the foot of the bed and making sure not to ruffle the duvet._

_"God, you're annoying," she muttered under her breath as she sat on the bed._

_"What was that?" Matthew asked, opening one of the books._

_"Nothing," Mary said as she opened her Macbook. She pretended to be engrossed with starting a new Powerpoint program._

_Both of them worked in near-silence for almost an hour, Mary extremely aware of Matthew sitting only a foot away from her. They only spoke about the project and neither of them said much. Mary's hands were tense as she typed._

_"Why do you hate me so much?" he asked suddenly, causing Mary to nearly drop the laptop. She turned her head so fast, her hair stuck to her lips. She brushed her hair off her face, trying to find a response._

_"I-I don't hate you," she stammered, her cheeks reddening. "You're the one who hates me."_

_"I do not," he said, ears turning pink with embarrassment. "You always ignore me and Tom at parties or if we pass in the hall. And in class."_

_"I just assumed you didn't want to talk to me," she said, regaining some spirit in her voice._

_"Well, you are a bit of a snob," Matthew said with a snort._

_"That's rude!" she scolded, narrowing her eyes at him. "Just because I don't talk to everyone I see, I'm a snob?"_

_"You hardly talk to anyone. Except for that blonde girl and her boyfriend. Her name's Anna, I think," he said. His eyes were playful as he spoke, a smile on his face. Mary hated that she thought he looked cute at this moment._

_"Well, you're a pain in the arse," she replied, looking away from him. He laughed heartily._

_"That's the best you could come up with?" he asked._

_"On such short notice, yes," she replied sharply. She snuck a glance at Matthew and saw that he was still grinning. "Oh, let's just get back to the project," she said tersely._

_"Fine by me," Matthew said. She didn't look at him again, but she knew he was still smiling._

_They returned to silence and only spoke about the project, but Mary was on edge. Why did this idiot have the power to get under her skin?_

_"Why are you in this class anyway?" he asked after another stint of silence. Mary had tried not to look at him over the past quarter of an hour, but she kept sneaking glances._

_God, he was cute._

_"I needed another elective for the term. It was either this or intro to chemistry," she said with a sigh. "What's your major?"_

_"Pre-law," Matthew said. "You're studying English and journalism, aren't you?"_

_She blushed. "How do you know that?" she asked, irritated by his apparent knowledge of her._

_"Well, there are a lot of literature and writing books on your shelf," he observed._

_"Oh, right," Mary said, brushing her hair behind her ear. "Sorry," she muttered._

_"I'm surprised you're not pre-law," he said as Mary shifted her computer to the bed so she could look through some notes._

_"Why is that?" she asked him without looking up._

_"You seem to enjoy arguing," Matthew said lightly. "At least with me."_

_Mary tried not to smile as she glanced at Matthew, but he was already smirking back at her. A laugh escaped her lips as she replied, "You seem to bring out the worst in me. Although I do like a good argument."_

_Matthew smirked impishly. _"If you really like a good argument, we should see more of each other,"_ he said matter-of-factly._

_"Only if we make it through this project without murdering each other," she quipped._

_Matthew laughed. She really enjoyed that sound._

_"Can't make any promises, of course, but so far so good, right?" he asked._

_Mary smiled, but leaned over to look at his notes instead of responding. As she looked at his nearly-imperceptible writing, she could smell his aftershave and laundry detergent. Her heartbeat increased and she heard him clear his throat slightly._

_"What are you doing?" Matthew asked._

_Mary was incredibly aware of his lips near her cheek. She pulled away, her cheeks coloring again. "I'm trying to read your crappy notes. God, your handwriting is horrible," she said._

_"I can read it," he said. "See that word? That says 'Communism'," he explained in a mocking voice._

_"It looks more like 'Cannibalism'," Mary replied._

_"It does not!" Matthew said indolently, his blue eyes meeting Mary's. "Let's see your handwriting, Little Miss Perfect."_

_He reached over for her notebook, but she held it out of his reach._

_"It's worse than mine, isn't it?" he asked with a grin, trying to reach past her for it._

_His face was even closer to hers now and Mary was struck by the intensity of his blue eyes._

_"Of course it isn't," she said, putting the notebook behind her back. "I just-"_

_"Write like a four-year-old?" he asked still grinning._

_Still attempting to grab the papers, Matthew wrapped his arms around Mary and his hands overlapped hers. Mary looked back at him for a moment. Both of them seemed surprised by this sudden physical proximity. Mary could hear her heart pounding madly in her chest, the color rising in her cheeks again as her grip on the notebook slackened. She saw Matthew's eyes soften slightly as he looked back at her, a smile at the corners of his lips. His thumbs brushed against her fingers and she swallowed, releasing the notebook into Matthew's hands._

_"I win," he said quietly, removing his arms from around Mary. As he looked down at the paper, Mary exhaled slowly. She hadn't even realized she'd been holding her breath._

_"You write like a bloody typewriter," he exclaimed with a laugh._

_"Well, I am good at everything," she said, pulling the notebook out of his grasp. Their fingers touched again, sending a chill down Mary's spine._

_"Are you?" Matthew asked, his voice deeper than before._

_Mary set the notebook on the desk chair. "Of course," she said, turning back to look at him. He seemed to be sitting closer to her than before and Mary could still breathe in his scent._

_"He smells so good."_

_"What?" Matthew asked with surprise. Mary's eyes widened as she realized her words had not remained silent thoughts in her head._

_"Oh, um-damn," she said. "I didn't mean to say that."_

_"What did you mean to say?" he asked, reaching out to gently touch his fingers to the back of her hand._

_Mary's heart skipped a few beats as she looked at him, barely breathing from the anticipation. The tension was thick as he leaned toward her slowly, their eyes locked for a moment before he kissed her._

_Matthew's lips were soft and they lightly brushed against hers before he pulled back, a questioning look in his eyes._

_Mary regarded him for a moment, memorizing his face and the brilliance of his eyes. Then she moved toward Matthew, her heartbeat speeding up with excitement. She pressed her lips more firmly against his, running her fingers through the back of his hair as she scooted closer to him on the bed. He wrapped his arm around her waist, leaning her back slowly on the mattress._

_For a few moments, they were the only two people in the world. The only thing that mattered to Mary that Matthew was there with her, the heat from his body pressing against hers, the softness of his lips making her heart race._

_"Bloody hell!"_

_Matthew toppled onto the floor. Noiselessly, Tom had flung the door open. He and Sybil had watched them for a near ten seconds before his exclamation._

Mary pulled herself out of her reverie, her cheeks hot as she heard Tom say, "So I opened the door...completely innocent...and they were going at it when we walked in! Matthew fell off the bed and Mary chased me down the hall. She nearly murdered me. Man, can she run like a cheetah."

"Stop it, Tom," Sybil scolded playfully. "They were just kissing," she said, as though that somehow made it better.

"Lovely story, Sybil darling," Edith interjected, her eyes laughing at Mary. Mary forced a look of indifference as she looked back at Edith and took a rather large gulp of wine.

"Yes, adorable," Mary said after the drink. She chanced a glance at Matthew and noticed he looked rather nonplussed and, much to her relief, his ears were pink again. She didn't want to be the only one affected by the memory she had just re-lived. He didn't look over at her and Mary wondered if he had been remembering it too.

Lavinia seemed slightly embarrassed as well, although Mary was sure it was only because the story had ended in her boyfriend snogging another woman. One who was sitting only a foot away from him. One who really wanted to kiss him at this moment.

"Did you see much of each other after that?" Lavinia asked, directing her question to Sybil. She wouldn't want to know any more about Mary and Matthew than she already did.

"Oh, I came and visited Mary almost every other weekend after that," Sybil said, her eyes looking adoringly at Tom who smiled back at her. "And then two years later I decided to go there as well."

"I had nothing to do with that," Tom said, grinning as the serving staff cleared the final plates away.

"Is it time to dance?" Sybil asked excitedly, turning to her groom-to-be.

"Whatever you want, my love," he replied. They leaned toward one another and brushed their noses together. Mary had to look away or else she was going to be sick. Or throw something at them.

Tom and Sybil got to their feet, Sybil running over to the live entertainment (of course-nothing but the best of the Earl of Grantham's youngest daughter) and telling the bandleader to begin the first song.

As the dancing began, Mary sighed, wishing she hadn't come alone tonight. Especially since Matthew was there. If only she'd asked Richard Carlisle, she knew he would have said yes.

"Is everything alright, Mary?" Matthew asked. Mary had almost forgotten he was sitting so near. She tried not to breathe in his aftershave. It was the same one he wore in college.

"Yes," she lied. "I just remembered an article I forgot to proof." Another lie.

Matthew smiled. "Well, don't forget to enjoy yourself," he said, giving her hand a gentle squeeze before turning to Lavinia. Mary heard him ask her to dance and they got to their feet to join the other couples on the floor.

"What does Matthew see in her?" Granny asked with a sniff of indignation.

Mary chose not to answer, but got to her feet instead, walking over to the table where Anna and Gwen sat with Thomas and Anna's husband, John. They were talking together, so Mary sat down and inserted herself into the conversation. As she half-listened, her eyes kept glancing over to where Matthew and Lavinia were dancing. More than once, she found Matthew's eyes on her.

_What the bloody hell?_ She thought to herself as Matthew's piercing blue eyes darted away once more. She looked down at the table and absentmindedly pressed her fingertips against her mouth, remembering what it had once felt like to kiss him.

* * *

[Credit to Downton Abbey 1x06 for some of the dialogue during the flashback scene, which is not italicized. Also, I really appreciate all of you guys who have read the story so far! Thank you for reading! I hope you enjoyed this new chapter and I'll try to update soon. Please review!]


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter Four**

Mary tried to avoid Matthew (and by extension, Lavinia) for the rest of the party, but it wasn't an easy feat to accomplish. Especially when Matthew seemed to be bent on socializing with her. After the first half hour of dancing, Mary still sat at the table, but only Anna remained with her. Being pregnant, she did not much feel like dancing and John had gone to fetch her some club soda, as the second course had not agreed with her.

"Are you having a nice time?" Anna asked once John had left. "I know I'm not terribly exciting."

"You are the only reason I haven't left," Mary replied. "You and Sybil, of course."

"What about Matthew?" she asked carefully.

"You mean the reason I want to leave? Mm, yes, I think I'd love to experience these sensations every day," Mary said.

"I'm not blind Mary. I see the way you look at him."

At that moment, Mary had been looking at Matthew again. As he danced with Lavinia, she could only see his profile, but she was struck by the line of his jaw. She looked away from him, pretending she'd been staring at something else.

"I don't look at him any differently than I look at John," she scoffed.

"God, I hope not," Anna said. "You don't look at John like you want to snog him, do you?"

"I don't look at Matthew like that either," Mary said, a little more forceful than she meant to be. Maybe she'd had too much wine already.

"Oh, no?" Anna asked, unruffled by Mary's harshness. She was used to her friend's defense mechanisms after so many years.

Mary stared at the wall for a moment. "I don't," she said, her voice gentler than before. "Maybe I've had too much to drink." Mary paused, glancing over at Matthew again.

"You owe it to yourself to tell him how you really feel," Anna said, noticing the subject of her friend's gaze.

"Are you serious?" Mary asked, pulling her eyes off of Matthew as he looked at back at her.

"_Well, they do say honesty is the best policy, and I think you regret being honest less often than you regret telling lies_," Anna replied.

Mary sighed, rubbing her temples. "Now I know I've had too much to drink."

Anna smiled empathetically, giving Mary's hand a squeeze. "I think there's some coffee. Shall I fetch some for you?"

"No, no, pregnant lady, I'll get it myself," Mary said, getting to her feet. Anna chuckled as she walked away.

Mary tried very hard not to look at Matthew as she crossed the room to where the drinks were. She passed John and William as they walked back to where Anna sat alone, talking animatedly as John carried the soda to his wife. And sloshed some of it over his shoe.

When she reached the table, Mary grabbed one of the coffees and proceeded to drink it without turning around. She didn't need to watch all the happy couples on the dance floor anymore.

"Save any for the rest of us?"

Mary's shoulders tensed as she heard Matthew's voice. She turned to look at him, forcing an appearance of composure. Everything she did that night was forced.

"Why would I do that?" she asked, keeping her voice steady. It was okay to flirt with an ex, wasn't it? "Then there wouldn't be as much for me."

"I thought you hated coffee," he said, glancing over at her nearly empty cup. "What is it you said, 'It tastes like motor oil.' Not that you would know." Matthew smiled, picking up a cup and pouring himself some coffee.

"I guess I never gave it a proper chance," she replied, blushing slightly. She wasn't going to tell Matthew that she started drinking coffee after he'd gone to Manchester. After she'd found his nearly-full bag of coffee grounds in her pantry. And she certainly wasn't going to tell him that she'd brewed an entire coffee press full at two o'clock in the morning the week after their falling out just so she could be reminded of him.

"I thought you were dancing with Lavinia," Mary said, hoping her voice sounded conversational and not as though she wanted to cry.

She watched the remaining dancers instead of looking at Matthew. Elsie and Charlie were one of the couples who were still dancing, which caused Mary to smile slightly. Charlie was her godfather and she loved both him and his wife dearly.

"She got a little tired," he said. "And she doesn't do swing dancing."

Mary nodded, listening to the upbeat music for a few seconds. "It's a great song," she noted as she took another sip of the hot liquid, listening to the bandleader sing "Fly me to the Moon."

"Mm, yeah," Matthew agreed, taking a drink from his own cup.

They stood silently listening to the song for a few measures, each of them drinking from their coffee cups. Mary tried not to shift on her feet, in case she accidentally brushed against him.

"How about it?" Matthew asked her, motioning toward the dancers. "If I remember correctly, you taught me to swing dance."

Mary swallowed the rest of her drink, not able to tell if it was the coffee or Matthew that had made her heart start beating faster.

"Ah, yes, that was me," she replied, setting her empty cup down. "Lavinia won't mind?" she asked.

"No, she won't," Matthew said, nodding his head toward the table where Lavinia sat with Granny and Cora. Lavinia waved sweetly at the two of them, as though the whole thing had been her idea. Mary grimaced her own version of a smile before returning her attention to Matthew.

"Am I really that pathetic?" she asked tensely.

"Come on, Mary," he said lightly. "Don't be such a spoilsport."

She sighed. "Fine," she grudgingly agreed.

Matthew grinned, following her out to the dance floor after setting his cup down. Mary listened to the song for a few beats, trying to figure out where to jump in, but Matthew grabbed her hand and put his other one on her waist.

Mary was surprised how much she remembered and how comfortable she was dancing with Matthew.

"I didn't realize you were actually paying attention the last time I made you swing dance," Mary said.

Matthew laughed. "Well, you're a good teacher," he said. "And I know how much you love to dance."

She smiled, but tried not to make too much out of what he said. "You did get better at it," she told him.

"Truth be told, I just wanted to dance with you," he said with a grin as he spun her around.

_Wanted_. Mary thought to herself. She didn't respond to his last statement.

As the song ended, she filled with disappointment. The remaining dancers clapped for the band in appreciation and Mary forced another smile.

"Well, thank you," she said primly. "That was lovely." A slow song began and she turned to leave the dance floor.

"One more?" Matthew requested, reaching out to touch her arm. "For old time's sake," he added in an afterthought.

"Shouldn't you get back to Lavinia?" Mary asked, glancing over to where his girlfriend still sat, talking with Cora. Granny was merely listening, a look of contempt on her face. Classic Granny.

"She won't mind," he said. "Please, Mary?"

She sighed with resignation, although she only felt elated as Matthew put his arm around her waist again and pulled her close. She tried to ignore the light pressure of his hand on her waist, the softness of his fingers against the back of her hand.

"_You don't mind my bringing Lavinia_?" he asked after a stint of silence.

"_On the contrary, I'm glad. Glad to see you happy_," was her reply. He smiled slightly and she spoke again, "Are you pleased to be back in London?" she asked conversationally. The coffee had only served to make her heart beat faster while her head felt just as cloudy.

"I have missed the city," he replied, meeting her gaze. His eyes were gentle as he said it, causing Mary to wonder if his words meant something more.

"Well, we're all glad to have you back," she said, without realizing what she was saying.

"Are you?" he asked seriously.

Mary swallowed. "Oh, well, I'm sure Tom will be pleased to have you join his football club again."

"You know that's not what I meant, Mary," he murmured. "Are _you_ glad?"

"Of course I am," she said. It was partly true, at least. "Four years is quite a long time to go without seeing anyone, let alone an old friend." She hardly knew what she was saying. It was like her brain was turned off, but her mouth wouldn't stop talking.

"An old friend?" he scoffed, although she could tell it was a question not meant to be answered. "I know I have no right to ask this, not now, but do you..." his voice trailed off.

"Yes?" she asked, prompting him to continue.

"It's nothing," he said and her face fell slightly.

"Won't you tell me?" she asked, smiling congenially. Matthew's fingers shifted on hers and Mary felt her heart skip a beat. She knew it wasn't meant as a caress, but it felt like one.

"Are we friends?" he asked.

"Why couldn't we be?" she replied, trying to be amiable despite the doubts in the back of her mind. Could they really be friends?

"It might be difficult," he said. "For both of us," he added.

"Why would it be difficult?" she asked hastily. Her slightly inebriated brain wanted him to think that she wasn't bothered by his very presence in the city of London, let alone by them seeing more of each other.

"Because of...our history." He said the words slowly, as though he was worried by her reaction.

She laughed to mask her discomfort, which caused Matthew furrow his brow. Ugh. Still cute.

"If anyone has cause to be troubled by it, it's me," he said. "I know everything was my fault."

Mary couldn't believe what he was saying.

"No, it wasn't," she insisted, her voice quiet. "I'm the one who rejected you."

"I should have never asked you to marry me," he blurted out.

Mary felt her eyes sting and she looked away from Matthew. "Of course not," she muttered, wounded by the statement.  
"It was selfish of me to ask you to give up everything when I couldn't give you anything in return." This time his words were a correction and not an afterthought.

She didn't respond, concentrating instead on keeping the tears at bay.

"I'm sorry for that," he said.

"I'm sorry I couldn't say yes," she breathed. As the song ended, she looked up at him and saw a look of confusion pass over his face. She pressed her lips together for a moment.

"You should get back to Lavinia," Mary told him. "Thank you for the dances," she added. The cordiality in her own voice was physically painful, but she forced another smile. "I hope we can all catch up sometime," she said, unable to stop herself.

"Mary-" Matthew said as she pulled her hand out of his.

"We should get together soon," she said in a noncommittal tone before turning and walking away.

She returned to the table where Anna sat, ignoring her friend's questioning looks as she took an empty seat.

Mary tried her best to avoid Matthew for the rest of the night, although she couldn't completely stop herself from meeting his eye. Especially since she kept looking at him.

At the end of the night, Sybil and Tom were thanking the guests as they filtered out, catching Mary as Matthew and Lavinia were about to leave.

"Mary, it was so lovely to meet you," Lavinia said, still as sweet as could be. "I hope we'll be good friends."

Mary smiled. "I'd love that," she replied as Lavinia gave her a peck on the cheek before turning to Sybil.

"Maybe we should talk about sometime," Matthew said to her.

"Heavens, why?" Mary asked hoping she seemed indifferent and not as though her heart was threatening to burst from her chest.

Matthew looked affronted, but he blinked and said, "Well, I'll see you when we come up to Downton, anyway."

"Of course, that will be lovely," Mary said, aware of the ring of untruth in her voice.

Matthew looked at her for another moment, an expression of pain in his eyes, before saying his good-byes to both Sybil and Tom. Mary watched as he left with Lavinia, a sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach as they walked away.

* * *

[Thanks for reading! This time, quotes from Downton are _italicized. _I really hope you enjoyed this chapter and I promise to update soon. Please, review!]


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter Five**

There were still two months before Sybil and Tom's wedding, which meant that nearly every Saturday of Mary's was occupied with bridesmaids' dress fittings or helping Sybil plan the decorations and the rest of the ceremony. (Mary had been deemed the "unofficial" party planner by Sybil, apparently due to her impeccable taste, although she knew it was because Sybil appreciated her advice on everything. Which Mary was now regretting.)

This particular Saturday she'd been volunteered by Sybil to accompany the male members of the wedding party to their tuxedo fittings. Unfortunately, Edith and her mother had both gone to their family home, Downton Abbey, for the weekend and Sybil insisted the bride was not allowed to see the groom in his wedding attire.

"Sybil, I have a lot of work to do this weekend. Can't anyone else in the _entire world_ do it but me?" Mary had begged her little sister over their weekly Saturday breakfast, but Sybil wouldn't budge.

"You're the only person who knows exactly what I want. Please, Mary?" Sybil had asked, jutting out her bottom lip.

"Damn you," Mary muttered. "Fine, I'll do it. But if I murder Tom, I don't want any complaints, alright?"

"You know Tom's just giving you a hard time, don't you? He really loves you," Sybil replied. Mary rolled her eyes at this little speech.

"He just likes tearing the mickey out of me more, is that it?" Mary asked her sister.

"You always give it back to him," Sybil added with a smile.

"He deserves it," Mary reminded her.

Sybil laughed. "I'll ask him to behave. Plus, Matthew will be there. He knows how to keep Tom in line."

"Does he?" Mary asked, her throat dry.

For the past few weeks she'd been successfully avoiding both Matthew and Lavinia, and their attempts to get together with her. And now she was force to spend an entire afternoon herding grown men around London and Matthew would be in attendance. Great. At least Lavinia wouldn't be there.

Mary didn't begrudge her sister for putting this on her. If it was Edith, Mary would have known better, but she'd do anything for Sybil. Even willingly spend hours with an ex-boyfriend with whom she was still in love.

It wasn't as though Mary hasn't tried to get over Matthew in the past four years. She'd even had a six-month relationship with a guy named Evelyn Napier, but that had been over a year ago. And for some reason she just couldn't stop comparing other men to Matthew. They'd been together for three and a half years, he had been her best friend, and now she couldn't even call him to ask him about his day.

"Are you really okay with seeing Matthew again? You never did tell me what happened with you two," Sybil said as the waiter cleared away their plates.

"It's not important," Mary said, finishing her tea. "It was all a long time ago."

"I wish you'd tell me," Sybil said, giving her sister's hand a squeeze.

"It was a difference of opinion," Mary said. "He moved to Manchester and we lost touch. Nothing major."

Sybil eyed Mary as though she suspected her sister wasn't telling the entire truth, but she merely asked, "You don't mind being around him?"

"Of course not, darling," Mary lied. "I just wish I didn't have to spend the whole day looking at menswear."

Sybil smiled, buying her sister's falsehood. "Let me know if Tom gives you too much trouble," she replied.

"I hope you know what you're getting yourself into," Mary said, raising her eyebrows. Sybil grinned happily.

* * *

Mary sat in the waiting room of the menswear shop waiting for Tom and the groomsmen to show up, pretending to check the e-mail app on her mobile. She was thankful she'd picked something fetching out of her closet to wear, although it was a bit too cold for the mini-dress she'd chosen for her breakfast with Sybil. It was April, but the weather was unseasonably chilly. She wished she'd worn a jacket.

At least I look good, she thought to herself as she waited.

The boys were over half an hour late. She was just about to call Tom to chew his head off when the bell of the shop jingled and she looked up. In traipsed Tom along with his three groomsmen: Matthew, Tom's brother, Kieran, and one of his work friends who Mary had barely spoken three words to. She thought his name was Charles, but she couldn't remember.

"You're late," she said sternly, getting to her feet.

"Sorry, sis," Tom said, looking thoroughly unapologetic as he planted a kiss on Mary's cheek. "We lost track of time."

"Were you drinking?" she asked, waving her hand in front of her face. Tom's breath smelled like Guinness and steak. "It's barely noon."

"I only had one glass," Tom insisted, looking to Matthew for support. Matthew was trying to not meet Mary's eye, but she glanced at him and he sighed in response.

"It may have been two," Matthew replied, shoving his hands in his pocket.

Mary glared at Tom, which allowed Matthew to fully appreciate his ex-girlfriend's figure. Unfortunately, Tom saw this and gave Matthew a dopey look that Mary noticed but interpreted incorrectly.

"You can't be drunk after two beers," Mary complained to her almost brother-in-law.

"I'm not drunk," Tom immediately said.

"He's not drunk," Matthew agreed, returning his attention to the conversation rather than Mary's legs.

"Just go to the dressing room and let them take your measurements," Mary sighed, waving her hands at the men. "Come out when you have the suits on, please."

She sat down, her body language making it clear that she wouldn't tolerate any more of their shenanigans.

Matthew cast one last look at Mary as she stared at the screen of her mobile before he followed the others into the back of the store. That Mary did notice.

As she waited for them to return, she tried to evaluate her feelings on seeing Matthew again. She'd hoped that avoiding him for the past five weeks had helped her come to terms with being around him for a short amount of time, but by the way her heart raced when he'd walked into the store, she clearly wasn't ready to be around him. She doubted she ever would be.

"Is this the correct suit?"

Matthew's voice startled her so that she nearly dropped her phone. She looked up, her cheeks slightly flushed as she met his eyes.

"Oh, um-" She looked at the bottom of the suit, pressing her lips together as she tried not to laugh at him. The trousers were about three sizes too big and hung off him like a loose skirt. "I think they wrote down your measurements incorrectly."

She laughed and Matthew smiled. "I didn't think they were supposed to fit like this," he said with a grin.

As they both laughed, the shop's tailor came out of the back to see what all the noise was about.

"I think you wrote it down wrong," Matthew said, his hand holding the waist of the trousers up so they wouldn't fall.

"Yes," the man said, grabbing the tape measurer from around his neck. "Take them off."

Matthew's ears turned pink. "Wh-what?" he stammered.

"I have to measure your waist again," the other main said impatiently.

He shot a glance at Mary, who pretended to be engrossed with her mobile again, before removing his trousers. Mary tried not to look at Matthew standing there in his boxer-briefs. The tailor measured Matthew's waist again before hastening to the back of the shop.

"And now I'm standing here in my pants," Matthew muttered.

Mary looked up at him, careful to keep her eyes on his face and not his pants. Although she was terribly tempted.

"Hopefully he'll bring you the right ones now," she said, her own cheeks coloring as her eyes flicked to Matthew's waist for a fleeting moment. She looked away, rubbing her arms with her hands. "Is it cold in here?" She breached the question to the empty seat beside her, trying to keep her eyes off Matthew.

"Mary, I just wanted to say-" Matthew began, apparently forgetting he wasn't wearing any trousers.

"We can talk later," she said, keeping her eyes off him.

"Do you promise?" he asked, a hint of jest in his voice.

"Of course," she said, her eyes staring at her knees. She heard Matthew chuckle as a pair of footsteps approached.

"Why are you in your pants?" Tom asked, doubling over with laughter. At this, Mary had to look up.

"They gave me the wrong trousers," Matthew explained, although his reason had little success in stifling Tom's amusement.

Tom laughed madly until the other groomsmen returned to the front of the store. They joined Tom in observing the hilarity of the situation, while Matthew looked glumly at them for a few moments and shot helpless looks at Mary who pretended to be engrossed in her mobile once more.

The tailor returned with another pair of trousers, which Matthew snatched from his hands before he was even offered them.

"Thank God," he said, pulling them on quickly as Tom wiped tears from his eyes.

"Now, ma'am, what do you think?" the tailor asked Mary.

She furrowed her brow at being called "ma'am," but got to her feet as she looked at the four men.

"Mr. Branson's suit looks a little long in the arms," Mary observed as she straightened Tom's arms out. The tailor wrote down a few notes as he also observed the party, who all looked rather dapper now that Matthew wasn't in his pants. Although she shamefully approve of that detour.

"Do we look handsome?" Kieran asked, flexing his biceps. Mary rolled her eyes at him and she heard a chuckle escape from Matthew's throat.

"You look presentable, I suppose," she said, not taking Kieran's bait. "Although I think Mr. Crawley's shirt is a bit loose," she observed, walking over to Matthew.

The tailor approached him as well, as Mary looked at his suit. He wasn't wearing the jacket at the moment, and Mary could see extra fabric poking out of the arms of the waistcoat.

"Where?" the tailor asked, scratching something down on his pad of paper before glancing up.

"Here," Mary said, placing her hands on Matthew's arms. She pretended not to notice the definition in his muscles as she smoothed her hands over them before pulling away. "Do you see?" she asked, turning her attention to the tailor, although her cheeks colored all the same.

"Oh, yes," the man replied, taking some more notes.

She took a seat as he inspected the men more thoroughly. "And what do you think of the colors?" he asked her, interrupting her reverie over Matthew's arms.

Mary looked up, her cheeks still pink. "I think Mr. Branson's suit is a bit light," she observed, glad to focus her attention on Tom. "Do you have a darker gray?"

The tailor looked rather cross, but said, "Please, follow me to the back, Mr. Branson."

Tom obliged.

"We really only look presentable, Mary?" Kieran asked playfully. "Maybe if you feel my arms-"

Mary sighed, her eyeroll more prolonged than usual.

"Shove off, Kieran," Matthew said, mostly in jest, although Mary could hear a slight bite in his tone. It was almost as though he didn't appreciate someone else flirting with Mary.

"Touchy," Kieran said, nudging Matthew with his elbow. Matthew didn't respond to Kieran's brash behavior. "I need to check my texts anyway. There's this girl I'm waiting to hear back from about tonight."

He and Charles-Mary still wasn't sure what his name was-wandered back to the dressing rooms, leaving Matthew alone with Mary again.

"I pity the woman who says yes to Kieran," Mary said offhanded.

Matthew chuckled as he turned to look in the full-length mirror. "Not exactly your type, is he?"

"I think you know the answer to that," Mary replied tersely.

He didn't respond for a minute or two, watching Mary in the mirror as she returned to her seat.

"Are you seeing anyone?" he asked nonchalantly.

Mary looked up, meeting his eye in the mirror. "Oh, not really," she replied, hoping her voice sounded casual and not at all like her stomach was in knots. "There's a guy at work. But it's nothing too serious, you know, I'm pretty busy."

Twice. She'd been out with Richard twice. And that was before Matthew had returned to London.

Matthew nodded. "What's his name?" he asked.

"Um, Richard Carlisle," she replied. Her throat was suddenly very dry and blood pounded in her ears.

"Maybe sometime you and Richard would like to go to dinner with Lavinia and myself?" he asked.

Mary swallowed. "Oh, that'd be nice. Although Richard's quite busy-he's actually the editor-in-chief at the magazine, so he doesn't have a lot of free time."

"Wow," Matthew said acerbically, adjusting his tie. "He sounds like fun."

"Don't be like that," she said automatically, frowning at him.

"Like what?" he asked, turning to look at her.

She dropped his gaze and folded her hands on her lap without answering the question.

"At Sybil and Tom's party, did you mean what you said? About being happy for me?" he asked cautiously. She looked up.

"Of course," Mary replied instantly, without a note of hesitation. She smiled. And not as though Mary wanted to punch the wall.

"Are you happy?" he asked. His face was pensive as he looked at her, as if his mind dwelt on something else.

"I'm not unhappy," she said.

"That's not quite the same," he said, his eyes serious.

"Isn't it?" She made her voice sound light and relaxed, even if she didn't feel that way. She wasn't happy, but she wouldn't admit that to him.

"No, it's not," Matthew said. She looked away from him, but Matthew continued to watch her.

The tailor returned in that moment, Tom following dutifully behind. "Is this more to your taste?" he asked imperiously.

"Yes, that's much better," she replied, considering Tom's new attire.

"And the groomsmen are dressed correctly?"

"Yes, I believe so," Mary said. "Of course, I'll want to check with my sister before we sign anything You have samples of all the cloth?"

"Of course," he replied. "I will go fetch what you need and the men will be finished shortly."

Matthew and Tom followed the tailor back to the changing rooms, Mary watching Matthew's retreating figure, trying not to think about seeing him in his pants.

"He always did have a nice bum," she muttered to herself.

* * *

[Again, thank you for reading and for all of your reviews so far! I hope to update with the next chapter soon.]


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter Six**

_Matthew Crawley has sent you a friend request_.

Mary sat at her desk, staring at her work computer.

"Are you supposed to be on Facebook?"

The deep voice startled Mary out of her internal debate and her cheeks colored slightly as she looked up at her boss.

"Sorry, Richard," she said, minimizing the browser. "I was just-"

"Slacking off?" he asked, leaning against the edge of her desk. His face was stern, but she knew he wasn't angry with her. At least not for being on social media, anyway.

"I was going to say 'taking a break,' but your answer was closer to the truth," she told him.

"Did you have a good weekend?" he asked conversationally, crossing his arms over his chest.

"It was alright," she replied. "Just more wedding planning for my sister. She made me take all the groomsmen to get their tuxedos fitted."

"Is that why your article wasn't on time?" he asked.

Mary forced herself not to roll her eyes. Richard Carlisle was always a hard man, but she knew he had a little bit of softness in him. About as much as she did, at least.

"If you mean that it was sent two minutes after the deadline, no, that wasn't the reason. The wireless was down in my building, so I had to send it from a coffee shop two blocks away," she told him truthfully. Even though she hadn't realized it was broken until fifteen minutes before the deadline because she'd been debating over calling Matthew back. Tom had given him her number ("in case") and he'd called her on Sunday when she was in the shower. She remembered every word of his message.

_"Hi, Mary. Um, it's Matthew. You know Tom gave me your number. (Lavinia's voice: Are you talking to Mary? Tell her I say "Hello.") It's her machine. Um, so Lavinia and I were wondering if you were free this Friday night. Call me back when you get the chance."_

Or not.

"Well, it was the first time you'd ever been late on a deadline," Richard observed.

"I won't let it happen again," she assured him.

"I thought you might have had a date," Richard said. His arms were still crossed as he glanced over at her, looking impassive. At this, Mary did roll her eyes.

"Nope, no date," she said, returning her attention to her computer screen. She brought up the document she'd been proofing earlier, her eyes running over a few grammatical errors once more.

"Any date for Friday night?" he asked.

"Not unless you count wedding planning as a date," she replied.

"Why do you keep dodging me, Mary?" he asked in a hushed voice. "I thought we had a nice time. At least, I had a nice time."

Mary sighed, looking over at him. "I had a nice time too, it's just-"

"Is there someone else?" he asked knowingly.

"Richard," she sighed again. "Don't start."

"Is it this Matthew Crawley?" he asked.

"I can't believe you looked at my screen," she said crossly. "Matthew is just an old friend."

She was a liar, but she already knew that.

"So I don't have any reason to be jealous?" he asked.

"Why would you be jealous?"

"Mary, please," Richard scoffed. "Although you've made it clear you're not interested in me. I suppose I should just give up, should I?"

"You know I've been busy with my sister's wedding plans. She absolutely depends on me," Mary insisted.

"Can't your sister get by on her own for one evening? She does have friends, right?" Richard smiled slightly. "Or have you been making yourself busy on purpose?"

Mary tried not to smile as her mobile vibrated on top of the desk. "Don't you have work to do?" she quipped before glancing at the screen. It read MATTHEW CRAWLEY.

She swore and Richard raised his eyebrows.

"I won't look to see who it is," Richard said, slipping off the desk and strutting back to his office.

Mary sighed as she picked up her phone, swiping her thumb across the screen.

"Hello?" she asked, pretending she didn't know whose voice was at the other end.

"Hi, Mary. It's Matthew." His voice made him sound as though he was embarrassed. Good. "I hope this isn't a bad time."

"Oh, um, I think I have a few minutes," she replied. She opened the internet browser and clicked 'accept' on Matthew's Facebook friend request. Hopefully he wouldn't notice that.

"Great," he replied. She could hear the tension in his voice as he spoke. "How are you?"

Small talk. Swell.

"I'm fine, I'm just at work," she said. She looked up from her computer screen and saw Richard sitting at the desk in his office. His eyes flickered away from her to stare at something on his desk.

"Did you get my voicemail?" Matthew asked after a moment of awkward silence.

"Yeah, sorry. I had to meet a deadline, so I didn't get it until late last night," she said, turning in her chair so she couldn't see Richard anymore.

"No worries," he replied. Mary thought she noted effort to make his voice light. "So, are you free on Friday? Lavinia was hoping we could get dinner."

"I-I don't know," Mary said. She really didn't want to spend extra time with Matthew or Lavinia. And especially not together.

"Lavinia would really love it if you could," he said. Mary clenched her teeth together. "Why don't we make it a double-date? You could ask that Richard bloke."

Mary sighed. "I'll see if he's free and text you back later, alright?" she asked.

"Great," he said. Why does he sound pleased? "I really hope you can make it."

"I should get back to work," she replied.

"I hope you have a good day, Mary," he told her.

"Thanks, you too," she said tersely. They hung up and Mary dropped her mobile on the desk with a thud before glancing at her computer screen. A new notification had appeared on her Facebook. _Lavinia Swire has sent you a friend request._

She swore again as Richard poked his head out of his office.

"Everything alright?" he asked. She glanced at him before clicking "accept" on Lavinia's friend request.

"What are you doing on Friday night?" she asked dejectedly.

He smirked.

* * *

Mary sighed as Richard helped her out of the taxi.

"What's wrong?" he asked as she straightened her dress.

"Nothing," she replied as he offered her his arm. "Is my dress alright?"

Richard's eyes moved over her figure, making Mary feel slightly uncomfortable. "You're beautiful," he replied, placing his hand on her waist for a moment. She shifted away from him, taking his arm instead.

"Thank you," Mary replied in a stiff voice as they entered the restaurant. She was so nervous about bringing Richard and anxious about seeing Matthew again, she thought she might actually throw up. Or punch the restaurant host in the face. He was much too chipper.

"Do you have a reservation?" he asked, beaming at them.

"We're meeting some friends," Mary replied. "It should be under Crawley."

"Ah, yes, Mr. Crawley arrived five minutes ago. Please, follow me."

"I've never met such a happy Englishman," Richard whispered in Mary's ear as they walked. She forced herself not to laugh too loudly as they crossed the dining room. Her moment of relief passed quickly as her eyes settled on the small, round table at which Matthew and Lavinia were seated. There was just enough room for four people.

"Cozy," Mary muttered as Matthew and Lavinia noticed them approaching. Matthew stood when they arrived at the table.

"Mary, it's so good to see you," Matthew said, reaching out to give her hand a squeeze. She forced a smile.

"I hope you weren't waiting too long," Mary said. "I want to introduce you both to Richard Carlisle. Richard, this is Matthew Crawley and his girlfriend, Lavinia Swire."

"It's a pleasure, Mr. Crawley," Richard said, shaking Matthew's hand. From where Mary stood, their grips looked a little tight. "It's nice to see you again, Lavinia."

Mary looked at Lavinia who forced her own smile, blushing slightly. "Hello, Richard," she said, looking rather uncomfortable.

"Please, sit," Matthew said congenially. He moved to pull out Mary's chair for her, but Richard reached it first, giving Matthew at pointed look. Mary sat, hoping that would keep Matthew from beating Richard with the chair.

"You know each other?" Mary asked Lavinia after a glance at Richard. His face was impassive.

"Yes, um, Richard went to university with my uncle," Lavinia said in a stiff voice.

"How old are you?" Matthew asked suddenly.

"Thirty-eight," Richard replied, raising his eyebrow as though Matthew's question was unamusing and rather childish.

"My uncle Simon is my father's youngest brother," Lavinia added. "He was sixteen when I was born."

"How is dear old Simon?" Richard asked lightly.

"I believe he's well," Lavinia told him. She dropped Richard's eye and Mary glanced over at her date who looked rather triumphant. Mary wanted to ask why Lavinia was so uncomfortable, but she knew it probably wasn't the best time.

"How long have you two known each other?" Matthew asked. Mary noticed Matthew take Lavinia's hand under the table.

"Since Richard took over as editor-in-chief," Mary said, making fists in her lap.

"About three years," Richard added, draping his arm across the back of Mary's chair. "Although she hadn't given me the time of day until a few months ago."

Mary felt her cheeks redden and she was tempted to glare at Richard, although she didn't want to give herself away. She hoped the dim lighting would disguise her blush. Matthew looked a bit surprised at this revelation.

"I actually thought she'd gotten quite sick of me, even though this is only our third time out," he continued.

"Oh, of course not," Mary forced herself to say, swatting at Richard's hand playfully. "You just give us so much work, I'm surprised I have time to sleep, let alone go on a date."

She hated this fake flirting, but Richard didn't seem to notice the insincerity.

"Is it even alright to date the boss?" Lavinia asked, regaining her composure and sweetness. Mary smiled slightly, but felt uncomfortable at the question.

"As long as the boss doesn't mind," Richard replied, his voice rather hard.

Oh, this is going to be fun. She thought as Matthew's eyes met hers. She looked away, unable to hold his questioning and rather disappointed gaze.

* * *

At the end of the evening, Mary stood alone with Matthew. Lavinia had gone to the ladies' room and Richard was fetching Mary's jacket. The silence between them was so strained that Mary actually felt physical pain.

"There must be a queue," she observed in a quiet voice.

Matthew turned to look at her. "Why are you with him?" he asked abruptly.

"Pardon me?" she asked, her eyes widening.

"He's rude and crass and I don't know what happened with Lavinia's uncle, but-"

"You don't even know him," Mary replied. "He's just-"

"A ponce?" Matthew asked. "I don't think he's right for you, Mary."

At these words, Matthew placed his hand on Mary's arm. His fingers rested gently against her skin, but Mary was too irrationally angry to enjoy the sensation. She pulled her arm out of his hand.

"What would you know about that?" she asked irritatedly.

"Please, don't speak to me as if I don't know you," he said, looking wounded.

She looked away from his puppy-dog face. "Do you?" she asked.

"Mary," Matthew said. The softness in his voice caused Mary to meet his eyes again. "I don't pretend that I haven't made a mess of things. But I would very much like it if we could be friends again. I still care about you and I want you to be happy."

She pressed her lips together, his words making her feel slightly breathless. "Thank you," she said quietly. "I want you to be happy, too."

Matthew pressed his lips together in a smile. "I suppose I can give this Carlisle another chance. If you really like him," he replied.

"That means a lot coming from you," she said, not ready to state her feelings about Richard. Especially not to Matthew.

"If you ever need anything, I'm always here for you," he said with genuine concern. She smiled her thanks as Lavinia returned from the ladies' room.

"I'm so happy we got the chance to do this," Lavinia said to Mary.

"Yes, it was lovely," Mary replied. Her cheeks had warmed from Matthew's last statement. She reached out and gave Lavinia's arm a friendly squeeze. "I hope we can do it again sometime."

"That would be nice," Lavinia said with a smile.

"Damn queue," Richard said, coming up next to Mary. Lavinia looked at him warily.

"Thank you, Richard," Mary said hastily, allowing him to help her into her jacket. "We should be going."

"Us too," Matthew said, putting his arm around Lavinia's shoulders.

"See you soon, Mary," Lavinia said sweetly.

"Of course," Mary replied with a nod. They left, Matthew casting one last look between Mary and Richard.

"You dated him, didn't you?" Richard asked roughly.

"Oh, don't turn jealous now, it doesn't suit you," Mary entreated as they walked out to the street. Richard hailed a cab for them.

"Have I any reason to be jealous?" he questioned as the nearest empty car stopped.

"Of course not. _Would I ever admit to loving a man who preferred someone else over me_?"

Richard scoffed. "I don't recall mentioning love," he replied as he opened the car door.

"I must have misspoke," she replied, arching her eyebrow at him as she slipped into the car. He chuckled as he slid into the seat beside her, taking her hand in his.

"Is there a reason you've suddenly become more friendly towards me?" he asked after telling the cabbie Mary's address. She looked down at his hand, noticing his touch did not stir the same feelings in her as Matthew's did.

"I've always been friendly," she replied. "I just wasn't sure how appropriate dating the boss would be."

"You sound like Lavinia," he said.

"What happened with Lavinia's uncle?" Mary asked after a moment of silence. Richard let go of her hand to drape his arm over the back of the seat.

"I'm not sure I'm the person to ask," he replied.

"Surely, you can't keep it to yourself now. My interest is peaked, Mr. Carlisle. You must tell me," she said, batting her eyelashes at him. He cracked a smile.

"All I can say is that her uncle ran into some...some trouble...at university," he said carefully.

"With whom? The law? Parliament? Don't tell me it was with Her Majesty," Mary joked. "And how would you be involved in that?"

"I may have been the one to 'turn him in,' so to speak," Richard replied, his fingers playing with the ends of Mary's hair.

"Do you think Lavinia holds it against you?" she asked.

"At the very least she isn't pleased with me. And I believe it may have caused a rift with Lavinia's father as well. As far as I know, the brothers haven't spoken since. Although Lavinia would know more about that than I," he said as the cab pulled up next to Mary's building. Richard opened the door and climbed out, offering his hand to Mary.

"Thank you for coming tonight," she said, obstructing the door of the car so that cabbie couldn't drive off.

"Aren't you going to invite me up? At least for a drink," Richard said, stepping toward her.

"You of all people know I have a lot of work to do. And I have plans with Sybil bright and early tomorrow morning. There's no rest for the wicked, I'm afraid," she said, playing with the strap of her handbag.

"You're hardly wicked," he said seriously. She smiled politely.

"I had a nice time, Richard," she said. It was partly true, anyway.

"So did I," he said, leaning toward her.

"Have a good night," she told him, dodging his lips to kiss his cheek instead. He sighed in frustration, but didn't protest any more than that. She slipped past him and he turned to get in the car.

"Good night, Mary," he said. He got into the cab and shut the door before the cabbie peeled away from the pavement. She sighed before walking inside.

This wasn't what she wanted, but Matthew wasn't letting anything stand in his way, so she shouldn't either. _Right?_

* * *

[Show quotes are _italicized_. Sorry this chapter didn't get posted as quickly as the others! Unfortunately, that will probably happen a few more times as I have a lot of schoolwork due in the next three weeks before break *shaking and crying* but I will try my best to get the chapters done efficiently because I know the anticipation is rough. Thank you so much to everyone who has reviewed and favorited this story! Your reviews literally make my day, so thank you so so much! You're all awesome!]


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter Seven**

"Are you excited for your 'hen' party?" Mary asked Sybil over the phone.

It was the day before Sybil's bachelorette party and only two weeks before the wedding. Mary and Sybil's college roommate, Gwen, had been planning the get together for over a month now, although Mary had let Gwen have more free reign than she originally planned. Mary was so busy with work, wedding plans, and trying not to think about Matthew that she hadn't had the time to keep an eye on Sybil's best friend. She knew that probably meant for a much more extravagant and rather uncomfortable occasion, but Mary knew Gwen wouldn't do anything Sybil wouldn't approve of. Which was significantly more flexible than what Mary approved of.

"_I am rather_," Sybil said. In the background Mary could hear Tom shouting as he watched a football match. "Sorry," her sister added, moving to a different room.

"Did Gwen tell you what we're doing tomorrow?" Mary asked, anxious to know herself.

"All she would tell me was that we were meeting for drinks tomorrow at seven. The rest is apparently under lock and key," Sybil said. "Weren't you helping her plan it?"

"I was, but I've been so busy with the wedding and work that I let her take over. Not that she wasn't pleased about it, but I'm rather anxious she's planned something...obscene," Mary said carefully.

Sybil laughed. "I'm sure we won't do anything too risqué."

"I think we have different opinions on that matter," Mary replied. Sybil laughed again.

"Oh, I do have a question for you," her sister said in a cautious voice.

"Oh, God, should I be sitting down for this?" Mary asked. "Is it about the caterers? Because I told them that we won't pay for-"

"No, Mary, it's not about the wedding," Sybil interjected. "It's, um, about Lavinia."

Mary sat down on her couch. "What about her?" she asked, hoping she didn't sound as cross as she felt.

"Well, it's just that since Matthew moved back he and Tom have been spending a lot of time together. Here and at the pub or playing football. And I've gotten to know Lavinia pretty well and I was wondering if you'd mind if she came tomorrow night," Sybil said carefully.

"You already invited her, didn't you?" Mary asked.

"Not exactly, although she does know about it," Sybil replied, obviously wary of provoking her eldest sister. "I didn't want you to be upset if I asked her to come."

Mary didn't respond right away. As much as she didn't want to spend any more time with Lavinia than she had to, she didn't want to hurt Sybil's feelings by indirectly hurting Lavinia's.

"Lavinia mentioned that you'd gone out with them a few weeks ago and she told me she had such a nice time. She thinks you're quite lovely, Mary," Sybil added, as though this would sway Mary's opinion.

"It's your party, Sybil dear. Of course you should invite whomever you want," Mary replied.

"Are you sure?" Sybil asked, still careful. "I know it must be difficult with Matthew back. And I haven't exactly made things easier on you."

"Oh, please stop treading on eggshells. I've other fish to fry," Mary instructed her sister.

"So you don't mind?" Sybil asked.

"No, she's a sweet girl. And the more people Gwen has available to make uncomfortable, the better," Mary said.

"That's very true. Oh, Lavinia will be so pleased," Sybil said happily.

After hanging up the phone, Mary remained on the couch for a few minutes as she thought over the past few months. Nothing was simple now that Matthew was back. She couldn't trust herself to relax for one moment around him. And as much as she wanted to despise Lavinia, she could only despise herself.

* * *

Mary walked into the pub Gwen had chosen as the meeting place, glancing at clock behind the bar. Somehow she'd managed to arrive ten minutes early and she realized no one else had arrived yet, not even Gwen or Sybil.

She took a seat at the end of the bar, asking the bartender for a water while she waited.

"Mary, what are you doing here?"

She turned her head to see Charlie Carson beside her.

"Charlie, how lovely to see you," Mary said, getting to her feet to give her godfather a peck on the cheek. "It's Sybil's hen party tonight and we're meeting here for drinks. I've seemed to arrived too early."

Charlie smiled, sitting on the empty stool beside hers. "I'm meeting Elsie here for dinner. She's bringing her friend Beryl from work and they seemed to have been held up."

They chatted for a few moments about work before Charlie said, "Can I ask you something, Mary?"

"But of course," she replied.

"I know it's none of my business, but I feel a sort of responsibility towards you, as my goddaughter, to let you know what I really think."

"My that sounds serious. What have I done this time?" she asked with a laugh, although she was rather nervous.

"I know that whatever happened with Matthew Crawley was a while ago, but I watched you the night of Sybil and Tom's party and I think I know you well enough to tell when you're uncomfortable."

"I think it was hardly a surprise to anyone that it was uncomfortable," she replied lightly.

"Mary," Charlie said, shaking his head. She couldn't tell if he was disappointed in her or not. "_May I give you one piece of advice_?"

She nodded, waiting for him to continue.

"_Tell him what's in your heart. If you still love him, let him know. But if you don't tell him, you could regret it all your life long_," he said, giving her arm a gentle squeeze.

Mary blinked away the sudden moisture in her eyes. "_And what about Miss Swire_?" she asked after a moment.

"_Miss Swire_," Charlie scoffed._ "As if any man in his right mind could prefer Miss Swire to you_," he said plainly, a smile crinkling the corners of his eyes.

Mary smiled, but didn't speak right away. "I'll think about it," she finally said.

"Oh, Mary," Elsie said, walking up to them with Beryl at her side. "I didn't expect to see you here."

"Apparently it's a popular place tonight," Mary said with a smile, noticing Sybil arrive with the rest of the party. Including Lavinia. "I hope the three of you have a lovely evening."

"Remember what I said," Charlie said as Mary grabbed her handbag.

"I will," she told him, planting another kiss on his cheek. She gave Elsie a quick hug before heading over to the table Gwen had snagged for the group of ladies.

"Mary, here you are!" Sybil said happily as Gwen talked with the waiter. "Gwen's ordering drinks for us before we go to dinner."

"My, we're starting early, aren't we?" Mary said, taking the empty seat between Edith and Lavinia, the latter who smiled warmly at Mary. Edith raised her eyebrows at Mary who pretended not to notice her sister's obvious pleasure at her own discomfort.

"It wouldn't be a proper hen party without getting smashed," Gwen said good-naturedly. "Hopefully someone will spill their deepest, darkest secret."

"Or dance on top of the bar?" Mary asked dryly.

"We may need a lot to drink if that's going to happen," Sybil said, trying to reassure the more squeamish in the group. Although Mary didn't find it very helpful. Lavinia seemed to agree with Mary, as she heard her laugh nervously.

"Lavinia, how did you meet Matthew?" Edith ventured, after the waiter had returned with a shot for each of them.

"Oh, um, I'm afraid it's not a very interesting story," Lavinia said, eyeing her shot warily.

"Come on, we could do with a story to start us off," Edith pressed, her eyes flicking toward Mary before focusing back on Lavinia. At the risk of being over-eager, Mary picked up her own shot and downed it, the burning sensation gnawing at her throat for a moment.

"Well, I went to study in the library during my third year and Matthew was at one of the tables, books spread out over the entire surface. The library was pretty busy that day and he was at one of the only empty tables, so I asked him if I could sit with him. He was really nice and afterward we went out for coffee and he got my number," Lavinia said, blushing slightly due to the attention. Mary tried to look passively interested in the story, although it only made her remember when she'd met Matthew.

_Mary had just moved in to her university dorm. Well, she had just arrived after movers had brought her things and unpacked them for her. She'd returned from lunch with her parents in order to finish arranging her room and relax before a freshers mixer that night._

_"That's my spot!" Mary threw her car into park, rolling down her window as she honked the horn of her Mercedes at a beat-up Volvo. "Hey, that's my spot!"_

_A rather gangly blond guy got out of his car, a look of bemused confusion on his face. "I didn't realize spots were assigned," he said, eyeing the Mercedes with a mix of longing and disgust._

_"It says 'Reserved' on the placard. Can't you read?" she asked acerbically._

_"How the hell do you get a reserved spot?" he asked._

_"You pay for it," she replied. He looked at her car again, a smirk appearing on his face._

_"Of course you do," he said. "My apologies, your highness, but I had no intention of offending you. Please, do forgive me for my horrid infraction. I believe I have committed a crime against nature and possibly humanity." He bowed dramatically._

_"Oh, God, just park somewhere else," she replied angrily. He laughed again and Mary hated to admit that in a different circumstance she would actually find him rather cute. She rolled her eyes to mask her thoughts._

_"No need to be so cross, princess," he replied, walking back over to the Volvo's driver's side. "I'll move my piece of crap car out of your way."_

_With another smirk he slipped into his car. As he backed up, Mary tried not to think about how adorable she found him, with his eyes the color of the sky and his smile._

_He peeled off in the Volvo, allowing Mary to park in her assigned spot._

_Mary returned to her private room, leaving the door ajar as she sat on her already-made bed. Of course there really wasn't much left for her to do, just hang up some photos and wait for Anna to come down from her own room. Instead of doing that, she grabbed a fashion magazine from her bag, flipping the pages to read an article she'd earmarked earlier._

_As she read, she heard the voices of some rather rowdy boys as they neared her room._

_"So, she actually paid for a reserved parking spot?" one asked with an Irish brogue._

_"Or her daddy did." They laughed loudly after this._

_Mary sat up. She recognized that voice._

_"Bloody hell! What a privileged little-"_

_As they passed her room, both of the boys glanced in at her room. The eyes of the boy she'd met earlier grew bigger in surprise._

_"A privileged little what?" she asked, getting to her feet. She crossed her arms and glared at them._

_"Uh-oh," the Irish boy said. "Someone's in trouble."_

_"Stuff it, Tom," the blond one said, jabbing him in the ribs._

_"I do hope I'm not interrupting," she said coarsely. "I would hate to spoil all the fun."_

_"I'd say you did that already," the one called Tom said with a smirk._

_"Not helping," the nameless boy said under his breath._

_"What's your name, sweetheart?" Tom asked impishly. Mary rolled her eyes._

_"Mary. Not that it's any of your business," she said._

_"Well, Matthew here has just been telling me about your little meeting earlier. Now, did your father pay cash for that car or just barter for it with solid gold?" Tom questioned._

_"Don't be an arse, Tom," Matthew said._

_"No, I think that job's already taken by you," Mary said pointedly. Matthew looked rather dumbfounded at Mary's comment._

_Tom laughed loudly. "You're right, mate, she is a treat," he said, obviously enjoying himself. "I'm looking forward to getting to know you better, Mary."_

_She rolled her eyes as Tom walked off, presumably to his own room._

_"So, uh, you live on this floor?" Matthew asked. Mary was surprised that he hadn't left with his friend._

_"Yes," she said, an implied 'duh' in her tone. "Excuse me," she told him, moving to shut the door in his face._

_"Hey, wait," he said, stopping the door with his hand. He'd stepped closer to her, which caused Mary to pull back slightly. "I, um, want to apologize for earlier."_

_"Is that why you were telling your friend about it?" she asked irritatedly._

_"Look, we got off on the wrong foot and I'm just trying to apologize. You don't have to be such a snob," Matthew said, with a laugh._

_"You don't have to be such an obnoxious jerk," she replied, jaw clenched. Matthew narrowed his eyes, becoming angry himself._

_"Sorry for trying to apologize," he said coarsely._

_"Is that what you were doing?" she asked with a sarcastic laugh. "It's so difficult to tell."_

_They glared at each other with mutual dislike, although Mary couldn't keep herself from thinking about how cute he was. Even angry. Even when he made her angry._

_Her eyes flicked to his lips for a moment. He stepped away, his ears reddening. At the time, she thought it was from anger._

_"Sorry to take up so much of your time," he said in a stiff voice. He turned and walked away and Mary relaxed, releasing her breath slowly as she watched him walk down the hall._

_"Nice bum," she muttered to herself._

Back in the present, Mary sighed. All she had were memories now.

* * *

[I'm really sorry about how depressing these chapters have been, but there's no s2 M/M without angst, even in AU. Please don't be sad because I've posted two chapters at once! Go forth and read the next chapter. Okay? Also, a lot of you have been asking about Matthew's POV in this, but I'm going to stick to Mary's side so it doesn't get confusing switching between POVs and to keep it consistent. I love you guys and really appreciate all your reviews and comments! Ps. Downton quotes are italicized.]


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter Eight**

Mary was not quite smashed, but it was probably the closest she'd ever been.

After eating dinner, which was followed by a lengthy round of bar-hopping, they'd gone back to Gwen's flat to continue the festivities. Everyone seemed to be in a rather giddy mood, including Lavinia who joined in the group dancing (or mosh-pit) in Gwen's living room and loud karaoke sing-along of Shania Twain's " I Feel Like a Woman." Mary preferred to watch the singing, although she did enjoy the rowdy dancing.

Lavinia seemed to be more affected by what little alcohol she did have (which Mary noticed was significantly less than her own consumption), and she started to look rather tired as the clock moved closer to one. She sat down in the empty spot beside Mary, looking at her rather sleepily.

"Mary," Lavinia mumbled blinking quickly as though trying to keep her eyes open.

"What is it?" she replied as Lavinia patted her arm. "No more for you tonight," Mary added, moving the bottle of wine on the coffee table further away.

"I have a secret," Lavinia said slowly in a sing-song voice. "But it's not a very nice one."

"You'd better not tell me then," Mary said over the din of the music. Those who were still awake were dancing in the space behind the sofa.

"Oh, alright," Lavinia said, looking rather upset, although it didn't last long. She smiled at Mary, tugging on her sleeve like a child.

"You're so sloshed," Mary said with a laugh. Lavinia giggled incessantly, testing Mary's patience slightly.

"Alright, I'll tell you," Lavinia said definitively, after her giggles subsided. "I think Matthew's still in love with you." She giggled some more, clearly not realizing what she'd just said.

Mary wasn't drunk enough to laugh about that. "Oh, please," she replied rather sharply, the heat rising in her cheeks as she glanced around to see if anyone else had heard.

"No, no, it's true," Lavinia said matter-of-factly, slurring her words more. Apparently the drunk Lavinia didn't mind her boyfriend's wandering heart. "I see the way he looks at you when he thinks I'm not watching. And the way he looked when you two were dancing-" Here she tried to whistle, but all she did was blow a stream of alcohol-scented air at Mary. "He to-totally still lo-oves you. He thinks I don't know, but I'm not that stupid." She laughed again.

Mary stared at Lavinia, wondering if she even realized what she was saying.

With a rather contented sigh, Lavinia laid her head against the back of the sofa, blinking at Mary some more as she struggled to stay awake.

"Sometimes, he mumbles your name in his-in his sleep," she added, laughing again before closing her eyes and falling asleep.

Mary watched Lavinia for a few moments in disbelief, as her cloudy mind tried to process the startling revelation.

As she sat, there was a loud knock on the door and no one seemed to hear it except for Mary. "Is someone at the door?" she shouted, noticing her words were clearer than before. More knocking.

"Is it our stripper?" Gwen asked loudly with a giggle.

Mary crossed the room to the door, pulling it open to reveal Matthew.

"Bloody hell," Mary said involuntarily. Matthew looked quite confused at her expletive as Sybil said,

"Matthew are you our stripper?" Sybil asked, thoroughly inebriated. She stumbled slightly, but Gwen grabbed her arm and they continued to dance as they giggled at Matthew.

"I came to get Lavinia," he said, blushing as he looked at Mary. She looked away. "It's quite late, I'm surprised Gwen's neighbors haven't called the police."

"Well, it's only a matter of time," Mary said, steadying herself against the door frame. She was pretty sure she was going to pass out. "Although I think the edge is starting to wear off. Lavinia's asleep."

Matthew looked over her shoulder to where Lavinia was passed out on the sofa. "How much did she have to drink?" he asked, his brow furrowed.

"I don't know, like-" Mary paused, trying to remember, but she could barely keep track of her own count, let alone someone else's. "Like, not a lot?"

"She doesn't really drink," he said, pushing past Mary.

"You don't say?" she asked, following him over to the sofa. She sat down and yawned widely as Matthew shook Lavinia awake.

"Matthew," Lavinia said sleepily, a smile on her face.

"It's time to go home," he said gently, pulling back from her. "Her breath smells like a distillery," he complained to Mary.

"I don't recall being put on Lavinia duty," she replied sarcastically. Matthew sighed.

"You're going?" Sybil asked as Matthew helped Lavinia to her feet.

"It's pretty late," Matthew said, wrapping his arm around Lavinia's waist to keep her upright. She affectionately nuzzled her face against his neck and Mary looked away. Lavinia should have just kicked Mary in the stomach. It would have been less painful.

"I had a lobely time, Sybil," Lavinia slurred, floppily waving her hand at Sybil.

"She's not going to remember anything in the morning," Sybil said, waving back at Lavinia.

"Can we give any of you a lift?" Matthew asked those who were still awake.

"I'm going to stay over here," Sybil said. "But I think Mary could use a ride home."

With a look of trepidation, Matthew looked over at Mary who was staring at the floor as though it was the most interesting thing she'd ever seen. _Oh I wish I were invisible._

"How about it, Mary?" he asked.

"Oh, I was just going to catch a cab," she said offhanded.

"At this hour? And you're drunk," he replied.

"I am not drunk," she said truthfully. Lavinia's secret had sobered Mary up fairly quickly.

"Come on, you can't take a cab home," he said, reaching for her wrist. His hand was warm and made Mary's head feel light. She stood up automatically, slipping her arm out of Matthew's fingers.

"I'll get my coat." She responded mechanically, her movements tense and calculated as she shifted past Matthew and the drowsy Lavinia.

Matthew waited as she pulled on her jacket, propping up Lavinia, who looked like she was nearly asleep.

"Thank you so much for coming," Sybil cooed at Mary, planting a hot kiss on Mary's cheek.

"I'll text you in the afternoon," Mary said, knowing full-well that Sybil would not remember those words.

"Do you need any help?" Matthew asked her once they were in the corridor. In spite of the fact that Lavinia was barely conscious and she was apparently difficult for him to carry.

"I'm fine," Mary lied, hugging her middle as they walked to the lift. She didn't need help walking at least.

"It looks like you girls had a lot of fun," Matthew said. Mary glanced at him out of the corner of her eye, trying to read his expression.

"Well, you know Gwen and Sybil. They're difficult to reign in," she replied. Matthew smiled slightly as they entered the lift.

The trip to the ground floor was quiet, as Matthew was struggling to keep Lavinia upright.

"Could you give me a hand?" he asked.

Mary obliged, although she didn't want to, wrapping her arm around Lavinia's shoulders. Mary's fingers brushed against Matthew's chest, causing her to shift her hand so she wouldn't touch him. Noticing this, Matthew glanced over at Mary as the doors of the lift opened. He held Mary's gaze for a moment, causing her heart to beat faster. After what seemed like ages, he looked away and they proceeded into to the lobby and out through the front doors.

"It's just this one here," he said in a rather hoarse voice, motioning to a shiny Lexus.

"At least this car's better than your old one," she quipped as he pulled out the keys. He chuckled, opening up the back door.

"I'll sit in back," Mary said as Matthew shifted Lavinia towards the car.

"She won't mind," he said, a faint smile on his face. "I insist."

Mary clenched her jaw, but helped Matthew place Lavinia into the backseat before letting herself into the passenger seat.

Neither of them spoke except for Mary's sporadic directions to her flat, although she was so uncomfortable that her shoulders shook with tension.

"Is this it?" Matthew asked as he slowed beside the curb.

"Yeah, thanks," she said, unhooking her seat belt as Matthew put the car into park.

"Do you want me to walk you in? It's pretty late," Matthew said nervously.

"That's okay," Mary said, reaching for the handle. "And Lavinia's asleep."

Matthew glanced to the back seat, where Lavinia was snoring softly. "I don't think she's going to wake up soon," he replied. "I just want to make sure you're okay. Lavinia will be safe in here."

Mary shrugged, which Matthew took for an agreement.

After they were both out of the car, Matthew locked the doors before proceeding across the street. He rested his hand against Mary's elbow, causing Mary's to stumble from surprise.

"Are you alright?" he asked, concern in his voice as he gripped her arm more firmly.

"Fine," she said through clenched teeth as they entered the building. "I can take it from here," she said, heading for the lift.

"I'll see you up," he said, pushing the lift button before she could. The doors opened and they got in, neither of them speaking as Mary pressed her floor button.

As they rode up, the words Charlie had told her earlier echoed in her ears._ If you still love him, let him know._

She glanced at Matthew from the corner of her eye, wondering if the words the drunk Lavinia had said earlier could possibly be true. He certainly seemed overly concerned for Mary's welfare, but she couldn't quite allow that to pass for love.

"You must be tired," he said quietly.

"It's been a long week," she replied, still trying to process the conflicting thoughts in her head.

"I know what you mean," he said, leaning his shoulder against the wall.

"How is the job going?" she asked, looking over at him. He'd been watching her the entire time.

"It's good, but hard work," Matthew said without breaking eye contact with her. "I'm not sure if I'll be able to last very long tomorrow night at Tom's stag party. Or I guess that's tonight, now." He sighed as the doors of the lift opened on Mary's floor.

Matthew followed her down the hall to her flat. Mary went to unlock the door, but her hands were shaking so bad she couldn't fit the key into the lock.

"Here," Matthew said, taking the set of keys out of her hands. His fingers brushed against hers and Mary felt her heart thrash violently against her ribcage. She swallowed as Matthew unlocked the door and opened it for her.

Mary walked through the door and Matthew set the keys down on her hall table. She hung her coat up, her eyes flicking toward him. He was still watching her and made no movement that showed he was leaving.

_Tell him what's in your heart. If you still love him, let him know. But if you don't tell him, you could regret it all your life long._ Charlie's words echoed loudly in her head.

"Matthew?" she asked softly, turning toward him. "Thanks for the lift," she said.

"That's okay," Matthew told her. His eyes seemed to be searching hers and she wondered what he was still doing there.

She couldn't do it. "You should get back to Lavinia," she said, dropping his gaze.

"Good night, Mary," he said. Mary looked up and thought she saw disappointment in his eyes.

She couldn't tell him how she felt, but instead she stepped forward and kissed his cheek quickly. "Good night, Matthew," she replied, pulling away with a forced smile on her face.

He stared at her, rather dazed, before turning and walking back to the lift. She shut the door quietly, leaning her forehead against the cool wood as Charlie's words competed with Lavinia's.

_"I think Matthew's still in love with you."_

* * *

[Again, sorry about the angst. I'll try to update soon! Downton quotes are italicized. And happy Thanksgiving to my American readers! :) xoxo]


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter Nine**

Sitting in the cafe near her flat, Mary typed away on her latest work assignment as she downed a triple espresso and tried not to think about the night before. The coffee was meant to combat her hangover as well as the insomnia she'd suffered from after Matthew had left. Despite her hangover, Mary remembered everything from the night before, although she hoped Lavinia did not. She doubted Lavinia would tell Matthew of her revelation to Mary, even if it wasn't true. Mary didn't know if she could believe it herself. She knew that was the reason she'd stopped herself the night before. And surely there was too much history for Matthew to harbour anything like love for Mary anymore.

She pushed the thoughts away. Mary had foolishly let the deadline for her next article creep up on her and she knew Richard would give her a hard time about it if she was late again.

As she typed, Mary listened to the jingle of the bell over the cafe's door as it signaled someone entering the shop. She glanced up at the counter, her eyes widening as she recognized the back of a man's head.

"Damn," she muttered, wishing she could disappear into the floor. Her eyes darted back down to her laptop and she stared at the last word she had typed, unable to form a coherent thought to finish the sentence.

"Mary," Matthew said, walking over to her table after he spotted her. "Wh-what are you doing here?" She thought he looked nervous, but he smiled.

Mary tried not to smile back, but she couldn't help herself. "Oh, I'm working on a deadline," she said. "My building is just a few blocks away, so I come here a lot. And you?"

"Well, I saw this place last night when we drove by, and my flat actually isn't too far away," he explained, resting his hand on the chair across from Mary's. "I thought I'd swing by here before going to Tom's stag party tonight."

"Oh, I bet that will be a laugh," Mary said.

"Tom's always liked you, Mary. I don't know why you give him such a hard time," Matthew said reproachfully.

"Oh, don't defend him," she said with a laugh. "You sound like Sybil." He chuckled.

"Triple espresso for Matthew," the barista called out.

Mary blushed suddenly and Matthew turned away, furrowing his brows as he went to retrieve his coffee.

"Bullocks, I forgot to ask for it to-go," Matthew muttered, carrying his mug back over to Mary's table. "Mind if I sit with you for a bit? I promise not to distract you for too long."

"Please have a seat," she replied, her heart jumping excitedly.

Matthew grinned and Mary tried to not be pleased. She looked away, her eyes settling on her own coffee mug.

"So, what are you working on?" he asked. Mary looked up as Matthew took a drink of coffee, his eyes smiling at her over the top of the mug.

"An editorial piece on public transport," she said with a sigh. "Richard loves to give me the terrible articles."

"Well, you always manage to make any subject interesting. Remember your article on sewage leaking into the Thames? Surely five hundred words about the Tube will be a literary masterpiece."

Mary blushed and looked down. "You read that? That was," she paused, trying to remember when she wrote the article. "That must have been two years ago."

She looked up and Matthew stared back at her, surprised by his own words and her response.

"Oh, I, uh, bloody-" he stammered, his ears turning red with embarrassment. Matthew nervously rubbed his hand over his face. "I, um, I've read every article you've ever written."

Mary swallowed. Her eyes felt like they were burning, as though she would cry at any second. She blinked a few times, hoping to keep them at bay.

"You...you have?" she asked, keeping her voice level.

"Well, yeah," he said after a moment, breaking into a smile. "Of course I have, Mary. You're a fantastic writer."

Her blush deepened, but she smiled.

"That's very kind," she said. "Although I'm sure you're being too generous. As usual."

Matthew grinned, reaching out to take Mary's hand, giving it a gentle squeeze. She expected him to let go after this friendly gesture, but he didn't. Mary's heart threatened to burst from her chest as she looked at him. Matthew didn't seem to be as affected by her touch, but, still, he didn't let go.

"_I'm so pleased we're friends again_," he said genuinely. Mary forced a smile before slipping her hand out of his grasp.

"I'm glad," she said. "And Lavinia really is a lovely girl. Although she is rather a lightweight," Mary joked.

Matthew looked out the window behind her, a pensive look on his face.

"Like I said, she doesn't really drink," he said, finally meeting Mary's eye again.

"I suppose you're going to scold me for not keeping a better eye on her?" she asked, glad to be able argue with him again.

"She's an adult," he replied shortly. Either he wasn't amused by Mary's wit, or he was occupied by something else. Mary didn't respond. "I hope she wasn't babbling too much before I got there. She tends to get rather chatty if she's had too much to drink," he said.

Mary thought there was something more behind Matthew's words, but she was afraid to question him on it.

"I didn't notice," she replied, hoping he couldn't tell that she was lying. "She was asleep when you got there."

Matthew's eyes were searching as he looked back at her. "Mary, I asked Lavinia about Richard Carlisle," he said seriously. His tone made Mary nervous.

"Richard told me Lavinia's uncle got into trouble at university and that he reported him."

"He didn't tell you the whole story, Mary," Matthew said, running his finger around the brim of his mug.

"Oh?" she asked, feigning disinterest she didn't really feel. "What did Lavinia say?"

"They were roommates at university and there were answers to an exam found in their room. Under her uncle's bed," he said.

"What does Richard have to do with it? He found the exam answers?" she asked.

"Carlisle put them under his roommate's bed," Matthew replied. "They were both taking the same class, but Lavinia's uncle had no reason to cheat-"

"So he says," she interjected.

Matthew looked cross, but his response was calm. "It was Carlisle who turned him in. How else did he know the answers were there?"

Mary was thoughtful as she considered Matthew's words. "You think that he's still this schoolboy who stole exam answers and framed his friend?"

"I think he lied to you, Mary," he said gently, reaching out for her hand once more. She let his skin touch hers momentarily before pulling her hand out of his reach. But even that momentary touch sent a spark up her arm.

"We all lie, Matthew," she said, balling her hands into fists under the table. She had to look away from his gaze again. The intensity in Matthew's eyes, as though he'd only just realized something, was far too much for her to deal with.

"Mary?" he questioned her after a painful silence.

"Please, don't ask me what I've lied about, Matthew," she replied, forcing herself to look at him despite the tremors in her heart.

He didn't respond right away. He bit his lower lip for a moment as he considered her words. "Surely we're friends enough for truth, Mary. After all this time," he said finally.

"_If I told you the reason, you'd despise me, and that I really couldn't bear_," she said bitterly.

Matthew furrowed his brow, concern on his face. Another stretch of agonizing silence ensued.

"You won't tell me what you mean?" he asked.

She tried to blink the tears from her eyes, but a few escaped, forcing her to wipe her cheeks hastily. But Matthew saw her pain and was clearly grieved by it.

"I can't," she said, her voice barely above a whisper.

Matthew watched her for a few moments, his eyes intense with emotion. Mary looked down, forcing herself to gain composure once more. Charlie's words rang in her head again, but again she ignored them.

"I should be going," Matthew said finally. Mary nodded, chewing on her bottom lip without meeting his eyes. "I hope I didn't distract you too much," he added, getting to his feet.

"Please, don't apologize," she said with a quick glance up at him. "I've missed you."

Matthew stared back at her for a few seconds.

"I mean...I've missed your friendship," she amended, her cheeks reddening with embarrassment.

"Me too," Matthew said quietly.

Mary forced a friendly smile. "Have fun tonight," she said and Matthew forced his own smile.

"See you soon," he said, picking up the empty coffee mug. She nodded, glancing away from him again.

He shifted toward her, leaning down to press his lips against her forehead. As he kissed her skin, Mary glanced up at his chin and her heart leapt into her throat. She swallowed hard as he backed away.

Matthew smiled again, raising his hand before heading toward the door, the coffee mug still in his hand.

"Matthew," Mary stopped him, pointing toward the mug. With his empty hand poised to push open the door, he realized what she meant and his ears turned bright red as he turned back to return the cup. Looking flustered, he hurried out of the shop after waving to her again and nearly crashing into the doorframe. Mary would have laughed had she been less shaken by their conversation.

After Matthew left, Mary stared blankly at her computer screen for half an hour, as she tried to come to terms with what he had said about Richard. And what she had nearly confessed.

* * *

[Downton quotes are italicized like usual. I really appreciate all your comments and suggestions. Thank you for reading and reviewing!]


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter Ten**

"Did you finalize all the arrangements for the florist?" Sybil asked Mary.

The two were seated in the library at Downton, going over the final wedding checklist. It was the Thursday before the wedding, which was to be held on the grounds Saturday afternoon. Sybil and Mary had decided it would be best to arrive a few days early in order to oversee the final preparations and setup on Friday. The rehearsal was Friday night, but Sybil had also requested that all members of wedding party arrive on Thursday. Tom would be staying in the village with his family on Friday, but the rest of the party would be staying at the abbey. To Mary's dismay, this included Matthew and, by extension, Lavinia.

"Yes, the florist will be here on Saturday morning with the centerpieces, bouquets, etcetera," Mary replied, her eyes running down the list. "Tom's parents are coming in tomorrow morning?"

"Yes, they'll leave London around ten-thirty and be here close to noon," Sybil said. "Mama said she found rooms for all the guests staying here."

"Oh, good," Mary said unenthusiastically, her thoughts drifting to Matthew again.

"I don't know why you try to pretend that being around Matthew doesn't bother you," Edith said. She had been seated at the writing desk, apparently not paying attention to the conversation until that moment.

"Perhaps I was speaking about you," Mary said, cross that Edith had understood her tone. Edith rolled her eyes, turning back to what she was working on.

"I could ask him to stay in the village," Sybil said in an undertone.

"There's no need," Mary said. "It's not a problem. I'm just tired-it was a long train ride."

"An hour?" Edith scoffed.

"I've been working you to death," Sybil replied apologetically, covering Mary's hand with her own. "Why don't you let me take care of this and you go lie down for a bit before the others get here." Mary nodded, grateful for the chance to be alone for a while.

She left the library and made her way across the entrance hall. As she headed toward the staircase, she heard someone ring the bell. She looked at her watch, noticing it was barely noon. The bell rang again and since no one was rushing to answer it, Mary sighed and walked to the front door. She pulled it open, her eyes widening slightly.

"Matthew," she said in surprise.

He smiled slightly, adjusting the strap of his bag as he looked at her. "Sorry I'm a bit early," he said, looking nervous. Mary noticed he was alone.

"Don't apologize," she said, motioning for him to come inside. "Where's Lavinia?" she asked as she shut the door.

"She's, um, visiting her parents up in Manchester for a few days. She'll be here on Saturday," he said, chewing on his bottom lip.

"Oh, how nice," Mary said, clasping her hands together as they stood awkwardly by the door. "Well, I'm afraid we're quite a feminine party at the moment. Sybil and Edith are in the library, but I think Mama and Papa are in the village with Granny. I was actually about to take a nap, but I can show you to your room if you'd like."

"Please, don't go to any trouble on my account," Matthew said, reaching out to touch Mary's arm. "I think I remember the place well enough."

She pressed her lips together, trying not to smile. "Well, I would hope so," she said, stepping away from him. "I think Mama put you in your old dressing room, if you remember where it is."

"Vaguely," he replied, his ears reddening. Both of them tried not to think about how Robert used to insist on Matthew having his own room when he and Mary visited, but somehow Matthew always ended up in Mary's bed.

"First floor, fifth door on your right," she reminded him, blushing slightly. Matthew nodded and Mary smiled again before heading toward the staircase.

"Mary?" Matthew asked as she ascended the steps.

She turned to look at him. "Yes?" she asked nervously. Something in his voice made her heart jump.

"I'm so glad I'm here," he said.

She smiled stiffly. "I'll see you at tea," she replied before walking up the stairs and heading for her room.

Once she was alone, she leaned her back against the closed door, resting her head against the wood as she tried to steady her breathing.

Why had Matthew had come without Lavinia? Why had he arrived so much earlier than the others, even before Tom? Why had he said those words to her?

These questions ran through her mind as she crossed the room to her bed, settling herself on the corner of the mattress. Her thoughts wandering to all those times Matthew had visited Downton with her.

_"Do you think your parents will mind?" Matthew asked as Mary scooted toward him, resting her head on his chest. She smiled, turning her head to press her lips against his neck._

_"That you failed to sleep in your own bed last night? Why ever would they mind?" she asked sarcastically, brushing her nose against his cheek._

_"It seemed more like a suggestion rather than an absolute rule," he said with a laugh, wrapping his arms around her. Mary settled more firmly against him, enjoying the warmth of his skin on hers._

_"Oh, trust me, it wasn't a suggestion," she replied, grinning at him. He laughed, causing a questioning look to appear on Mary's face._

_"_I'm sorry, it still seems odd to be found in your bed_," Matthew said, pressing his lips against her forehead._

_"_But very nice_," she said playfully._

_"_Oh, as nice as nice can be_," he replied, brushing his fingers against Mary's cheek. She grinned, leaning up to kiss him slowly. Matthew's breath was hot and sweet, his fingers pressing more firmly against her skin, trailing down her arm. She pulled away, pressing her lips to his cheek before cuddling up against him again._

_"I must warn you that Papa may kill you," she said, unable to keep a straight face. Matthew laughed and she smiled._

_"Then you must protect me, my darling," he said softly, pressing his lips against her ear. She smiled, enjoying the sensation of his touch._

_"I'll see what I can do," she replied._

_Matthew grinned before kissing her again._

_"I love you, Mary," he said, his lips brushing against hers as he spoke._

_Mary blushed. She still wasn't used to hearing him say those words._

_"I know you do," she answered, moving her fingers across his chest._

_"Mary," he moaned with mock annoyance. She pulled him against her, brushing her fingers through his hair._

_"I love you, Matthew Crawley," she said finally. Matthew grinned again before pressing his body against her skin, his lips finding hers once again._

Pulling herself out of her daydream, Mary stood and crossed to her bedroom window. She gripped the moulding around the window as she took sharp, but controlled, breaths. Her head was swimming with memories of Matthew. She could almost feel the pressure of his lips on hers and taste his kisses.

In spite of the fact that she was alone, she swore under her breath. She wondered if Matthew was having as much trouble being back at Downton as she was.

Mary went down for tea only when she heard the sound of raucous voices echoing from the library.

She hadn't even attempted to sleep, but had curled up in her chair and tried to finish her writing sample for a freelance magazine. She doubted it would be accepted, but after Matthew had completed the story of Lavinia's uncle and Richard for her, she had spoken to Richard about it.

_"Can I talk to you?" she asked. It was Monday morning and she'd pushed into Richard's office to find out the truth._

_"What is it?" he asked, noticing the determination in her face. Mary shut the door behind her, walking over to sit in the chair in front of Richard's desk._

_"What happened with Lavinia's uncle?" she asked._

_Richard opened his mouth, but shut it immediately, narrowing his eyes. "I told you what happened," he said. "Mr. Swire got in trouble at university. I turned him in."_

_"What did he do?" Mary asked, folding her hands in her lap, an envelope under her hands._

_"They found answers to an exam under his bed-I found them," he corrected himself. "I was looking for his sport kit and I found them."_

_Mary noticed the hint of hesitation, the momentary shift of his gaze away from her._

_"You put them there, didn't you?" she asked._

_"Who told you that?" he questioned her._

_"It's not important," she replied._

_"Was it Matthew Crawley?" Richard ask, his jaw clenched._

_"I just want to know the truth," she said._

_"Why? So you can break it off with me? You've pretty much already done that by never answering my calls," he replied._

_Mary forced herself to not roll her eyes. She steadied her gaze at Richard. "I need to know who I'm working for," was her response. "Are you a man of integrity?"_

_"You already think I'm not, so why does it matter?" he asked._

_She didn't reply, only continued to look at him, waiting for an answer._

_Richard stared back at her for a few moments before responding. "I put the answers under his bed," he said, his face impassive._

_"Thank you," she said, getting to her feet. She handed him the envelope. "Please accept this letter as my resignation. I'm so grateful for every opportunity I've been given here," she said graciously._

_Richard stared at her, disbelief on his face. "All of this because I cheated on a test and blamed my roommate? You don't even know him."_

_"But I know the man I've been working for," she replied._

_He ground his teeth together, his face reddening in anger. "You can't be serious," he said._

_"I'm sorry, Richard," she replied. "Please, let's be civil about this. It's not the first time a junior editor has left the magazine."_

_He narrowed his eyes at her. "I'll have my secretary mail a recommendation to your flat," he replied, his voice stiff. Mary nodded and turned to leave the office._

_"_I loved you, you know. More than you knew_," he said. She faced him again, blinking in response to his admission._

_"_Then I hope the next woman you love deserves you more than I did_," she said honestly. He was not the man she felt regrets about. "Goodbye, Richard."_

"Mary, there you are!" Sybil said, leaving her seat beside Tom to greet her sister as she entered the library. "I thought I might have to check on you."

"Don't worry about me," she said, observing the other inhabitants of the room.

Most of the party was seated around the hearth. Matthew's eyes met hers and Mary looked away.

"I smelled fresh scones," she added, walking over to the tea table.

"Mama said she and Papa would be home soon," Sybil said, walking over to the table with Mary. "Granny's coming with Dr. Clarkson and Isobel."

Mary looked up from the teapot she was holding over an empty cup, glancing over to meet Matthew's eyes. He blushed and glanced away momentarily.

"Isobel's coming?" she asked Sybil, forcing her voice to be even and only moderately surprised. Matthew's MOTHER is coming? Her brain screamed at Sybil.

"Yes, she's so fond of Tom, you know," Sybil said.

"How splendid," Mary said, forcing a smile as she brought the teacup to her lips. "I haven't seen Isobel in such a long time."

Sybil smiled, unaware of Mary's internal panic. She gave her sister's arm a squeeze before returning to her fiance.

Mary busied herself for a few moments with the scones, deliberately taking her time with spreading the clotted cream and jam on the two halves of her scone.

Tom's brother Kieran approached the table, refilling his own cup of tea, his eyes on Mary.

"I could watch you do that all day," he said, bumping his elbow lightly against Mary's.

"Oh, God," she replied, shifting away from him. "Don't you have someone else to make uncomfortable?"

"I've already made the rounds, sweetheart. You're the only one left," Kieran said.

Mary wrinkled her nose. "Lucky me," she said moving away from the table.

"Hey, how about you let me have the first two dances with you at the rehearsal dinner?" he asked, following her.

"I thought you were going to dance the first two with me, _isn't that what you said_?" Matthew asked, appearing at Mary's side.

"_Did I_?" Mark asked with confusion. She understood the knowing look in Matthew's eye. "_Yes, I think I did_."

Kieran looked glum, but noticed that Matthew had commandeered Mary's attention. He shuffled off to talk to Gwen.

"_Thank you for intervening back there before I said something rude_," she told Matthew. He smiled at her.

"Kieran _does rather beg to be teased_," Matthew said, rather pleased with himself. He poured himself another cup of tea, glancing at Mary. "Sybil told you Mother's coming?"

"Yes," Mary said, forcing herself to take a drink of her own tea. "It will be lovely to see her again. It's been so long."

"She's excited to see you," Matthew said. Mary doubted that very much, but she only smiled in response.

"Did you have a nice nap?" he asked, running his finger over the brim of his cup.

Mary absentmindedly watched him do this, her heart thudding loudly in her ears, drowning out the laughter of the others.

"Yes, thank you," she lied.

"I'm surprised Richard let you have so much time off for the wedding," he said, clenching his jaw. He obviously hadn't gotten over their argument about Richard.

Mary met his eyes, feeling as though they were examining her thoughts. She blushed, but Matthew misinterpreted it. He furrowed his brows with vexation, dropping Mary's gaze.

"Matthew, I, um," she stammered, her fingers shaking as she struggled to hold her cup. "I don't work at the magazine any more."

Matthew looked over at her, astonishment on his face.

"I thought it would be best to do some freelance work for a while. Maybe travel abroad," she said, swallowing as she looked into his eyes.

"What happened?" he asked.

"I just needed a change," she replied slowly. "Four years in one place is a long time."

"Where would you go?" he asked. His voice was careful, but Mary saw emotion in his eyes. She was confused by this sudden change.

"I might go visit Grandmama in the States," she said. "She lives in New York City."

"Yes, I remember," he said, watching her intensely. "This is very sudden."

Mary looked back at him. She wanted him to tell her not to go.

"Nothing's been decided yet," she said. "It was just an idea I had. I thought it might be nice to get away for a while."

Matthew looked down, as though he understood what was hidden behind her words. Mary pressed her lips together, glancing over at the library door as her father walked in, followed by Cora, Violet, Richard Clarkson, and Isobel.

"Sorry we're late," Robert said, leaning over the back of the couch to kiss the top of Sybil's head.

"Just blame me," Isobel said with a smile. "Dr. Clarkson was showing me his new garden."

"We do," Violet said shortly, walking over to sit in an empty chair.

"Mother, how wonderful," Matthew said, leaving Mary to give his mother a kiss on the cheek. Isobel smiled at her son, glancing over at Mary. "You remember everyone?" he asked her.

"Of course," she said, smiling around the room.

Her eyes settled on Mary, whose mouth had gone dry. Unexpectedly, Isobel crossed the room, approaching Mary.

"Mary, it's so lovely to see you," Isobel said, taking Mary's hands in her own.

Mary smiled in surprise

"Yes, it's been quite a long time," she said.

Isobel gave her hand a gentle squeeze of friendship. "Much too long," she said warmly. "We must catch up. I want to hear about your job at the magazine."

Mary's smile faltered, but Isobel didn't seem to notice. But Matthew had watched Mary's face fall. He walked over to them, steering his mother away from Mary, distracting her with some wedding detail Sybil had apparently mentioned to him earlier. As Matthew walked away, he glanced back at Mary. She blinked in confusion, her heart leaping with something she hadn't felt for a long time. Hope.

* * *

[Thanks for reading! I decided to post this now because I have no self-control and I couldn't wait for all of you to read it. Within memories, Downton quotes are unitalicized and are italicized in "real time". Feel free to contact me on Tumblr if you have any questions about anything, my url is marauding-lupin. Please review! xoxo]


	11. Chapter 11

**Chapter Eleven**

After a restless night, Mary awoke early to oversee the preparations for the wedding, while the rest of the wedding party had made themselves semi-useful by lining up seats for the ceremony or setting up tables for the reception. However, Kieran and Tom were particularly unruly, which caused Mary to develop a migraine after luncheon and banish the brothers from the wedding space.

"Look, Tom! I'm ribbon man," Kieran had said after wrapping his entire body in a giant spool of ribbon that was meant to be fastened to the chairs for the reception. He looked like a mummy.

"Kieran, I swear, I will kill you!" Mary shouted when she saw him.

"Did you say you'll kiss me?" Kieran barked, trying to back away as Mary stalked toward him.

"Watch out, she's got scissors in her hand!" Tom called out, shaking with laughter as Kieran was impeded by the ribbon he'd tied around his legs.

"Tom, please," Sybil begged, noticing the color rise in Mary's cheeks.

"Kieran, that ribbon was twenty pounds a spool. If you so much as wrinkled it, I'll punch you so hard, you won't be able to open your eyes for a week," she threatened.

"First, you'll have to kiss me," Kieran teased, making kissy noises at Mary.

She glared at him.

"Come on, Kieran," Matthew said, approaching them. "Mary's been working hard and you're being a prat."

"It's just a little kiss, mate," he said. "What's the big deal."

"No one wants to kiss you, Kieran!" Tom shouted.

Kieran made a face at Tom before disentangling himself from the ribbon rather solemnly. He presented the wad of ribbon to Mary, kneeling dramatically.

"Your majesty," he said in a deep voice.

"Shove off," Mary replied crossly, snatching the ribbon from his hands and walking off with it. "Tom, take your brother and get out of my hair before I go mad."

After they'd both disappeared, Mary had settled herself at one of the tables to untangle the ribbon Kieran had nearly destroyed. Matthew and Sybil both joined her, as though they wanted to ensure she didn't strangle herself with the fabric.

"Damn that Kieran," she muttered, her fingers wrestling with a few knots.

"I'm sorry they've been so unmanageable," Sybil apologized. "Kieran just likes to get a rise out of you."

"So does Tom," Mary replied, her head aching. She put down the ribbon to rub her temples.

"I'll get you some aspirin," Sybil said, getting to her feet.

Mary sighed as Sybil hurried away.

"Here, let me help with that," Matthew said as Mary started to pick at one of the knots.

He slipped the ribbon out of her hand, his fingers brushing against her skin.

"Sorry if I've been unreasonable," she said quietly. "I suppose I'm just tired."

"Don't worry about it," he told her. "And you're not being unreasonable. You have a lot on your plate right now, and they weren't making it any easier."

A hint of a smile was on his lips, causing Mary's heartbeat to speed up. She smiled slightly.

"Yes, well, I suppose I have been rather short with everyone today. I didn't sleep much," she admitted, not meeting his eyes.

Matthew didn't respond for a moment, biting his lip as he forced a knot to untangle.

"What's up?" he asked, looking at her over the ribbon.

"I was just finishing some job applications," she said truthfully.

Although she didn't mention that after she'd finished those she had been unable to sleep because she kept thinking about Matthew. And then she'd dreamt about him. She blushed, remembering the dream she'd had right before waking up that morning.

"Will you really go to America?" he asked, pulling her out of her embarrassing memories.

Mary thought she sensed a hint of unhappiness in his voice, as though he didn't want her to go.

"I think so," she said. "I'll speak with Grandmama when she gets in this afternoon. Although none of the others even know I quit the magazine."

"You mean you haven't told you family?" Matthew asked, surprised by the admission.

"Sybil's wedding hardly seemed the time to mention that I'm unemployed," Mary replied. "I know they'll all be disappointed in me. And it would only make Edith more victorious. She has a boyfriend and a job whereas I don't have either of those things."

"Is Anthony coming tonight?" he asked.

"I imagine," Mary said with a sniff. "Although Tom's parents and Mama are in charge of the rehearsal, thank God, so I have no idea."

Neither of them spoke for a few minutes. Mary felt tense as she sat with him, unsure of what to say or do except focus on untangling the ribbon. Kieran had practically ruined it, making Mary too cross to speak.

"Mary?" Matthew said, pulling her out of her angry thoughts. She looked up, surprised by the emotion in his eyes.

"For what it's worth, I'm not disappointed in you," he said gently. "In fact, I'm quite proud of you for standing up to Carlisle. You're an amazing woman."

Her cheeks turned red and moisture filled her eyes.

"You don't think I'm a fool for quitting my job?" she asked sheepishly.

"Of course not," Matthew said with a smile. He reached over and took her hand. "I know that you're strong enough to face anything."

"_I wonder. Sybil's the strong one. She really doesn't care what people think, but I'm afraid I do_," Mary said.

"_You're strong. A storm-braver if ever I saw one_," he replied sincerely. She smiled and Matthew gave her hand a gentle squeeze.

After a moment, he furrowed his brow and said, "I was wondering if I could ask you something."

Mary hesitated before asking, "What is it?"

Matthew was still holding her hand and he brushed his thumb over her skin. Her stomach twisted in anticipation as she waited for him to speak.

He was about to respond when Sybil returned with a bottle of water for Mary. Matthew dropped her hand very quickly, returning his attention to the ribbon as his ears turned bright red.

"Sorry I took so long," Sybil apologized, handing her sister a few aspirin. "Edith stopped me to ask about tonight."

"What about it?" Mary asked after taking a swig of the water and downing the pills.

"She wanted to know when to tell Anthony to arrive," Sybil explained as she sat in the empty seat beside Mary.

Sybil cast a furtive glance between Mary and Matthew, as though she had seen Matthew holding her sister's hand. Mary noticed, but pretended to be engrossed in the ribbon.

"Did Kieran ruin it?" Sybil asked.

Mary was grateful Sybil didn't ask any questions about what had happened while she was inside.

"Nearly," Mary replied.

"I'm sorry for that," Sybil said. "But you don't need to stress yourself out about it anymore, Mary. You've already done so much for me and there's no way I'll ever be able to repay you. Promise you'll force me to plan your wedding as punishment."

Mary looked down, her eyes burning as her cheeks grew hot. She was very aware of Matthew's presence beside her. He shifted in his seat.

"Please, I'd do anything for you, Sybil dear," Mary said. "Think no more about it."

The three of them returned their attention to the ribbon, neither of them speaking more than a few words to lighten the mood or observe the idiocy of Kieran. Mary caught Matthew's eyes a few times and found herself blushing involuntarily at his gaze.

When he thought Sybil wasn't looking, he held her gaze for a long moment and smiled at her. Mary was rather surprised at the look she saw in Matthew's eyes. It reminded her too much of the way he used to look at her when she had known that he loved her.

* * *

After the rehearsal, the wedding party and the couple's family and closest friends gathered for dinner. Mary found herself seated by Isobel and Matthew during the meal, and as much as Mary enjoyed Isobel's company, she couldn't help but feel slightly uncomfortable around her. It was clear to Mary that Isobel wanted her to feel at ease, but she couldn't shake the feeling that Isobel disliked Mary for throwing Matthew over. Even if it had been over four years ago. Besides, Mary still despised herself for it.

Finally, the dinner was over and Mary tried to escape by engaging in a conversation with Charlie and Elsie.

From the corner of her eye, Mary watched as Sybil and Tom began dancing. The pure felicity in their faces made Mary aware of the empty feeling in her own chest. Tears stung her eyes, but she blinked, trying to erase their presence.

"Are you going to keep your promise?"

Matthew's rich voice pulled Mary out of her thoughts. She forced a smile to her face as she turned away from Charlie and Elsie.

"If only to keep Kieran at bay," she said, glancing at Matthew.

He smiled back at her, chuckling quietly.

"That makes me feel important," he quipped, offering Mary his hand.

She accepted it, her fingers tingling at his touch.

They joined the other dancers, Matthew's hand resting on her waist. Mary tried to not think about the warmth of Matthew's touch, or the fact that he seemed to be holding her closer than he had at the engagement party. His scent was familiar and comforting, causing her heart to ache.

Neither of them spoke for a few minutes, Mary's heart pounding in her ears as Matthew examined her face.

"It seems so strange that this is finally happening," she said quietly, avoiding Matthew's eye as she observed the other dancers over his shoulder.

"Sybil and Tom? Why is that strange?" he asked lightly.

"I suppose it's because I've seen them together for so long," she replied honestly. "It's almost as though they've never been apart."

She met his eyes and the intensity she saw in them took her breath away. He turned his face slightly so that their cheeks nearly touched.

"They're very lucky," Matthew said softly, his lips so close to her ear that she could feel the warmth of his breath on her cheek. "Especially compared to most people."

Mary exhaled slowly, her heart pounding frantically as she felt the weight of his words.

"You're right," she replied, her voice shaking. "Please, excuse me."

"Mary," he protested, but she ignored him.

She slipped out of Matthew's arms, hastening out of the house.

She burst outside, unsure of where she was going or why she was suddenly so agitated. It was as though the wall of a dam, one she had been holding up for so long, had fallen down and it was all she could do to keep herself from drowning.

Hurrying across the lawn away from the house and the wedding decorations, Mary only slowed when she could only just hear the music coming from the house. In a slower fashion, she walked toward the garden, her riotous mind racing as she breathed in the scent of lavender.

"Mary?"

She tensed her shoulders at the sound of his voice. Of course, he would follow her. But why?

Mary turned on her heel, her eyes meeting Matthew's as he crossed the remaining stretch of grass to stand a few feet from her.

"Are you alright?" he asked.

In the moonlight, Matthew's eyes were gentle, his face concerned by something more than brotherly affection.

"Please, don't ask me," she said, hugging her arms around her waist, as though to keep herself from falling apart.

Matthew moved closer to her, reaching out his hand to touch her arm. She didn't pull away, instead stepping forward into his touch.

"The other day at the cafe, when you said _that I'd despise you if I knew the reason_, what did you mean?" he asked gently, brushing his thumb against her arm.

Mary looked into his eyes, her heart thudding unsteadily in her chest.

"Why do you care so much?" she asked. "You have no obligation to me."

"Mary, please tell me," he said.

His voice was so tender, Mary's heart ached with the hope it brought to her. She stepped away from him, breaking contact with the warmth of his touch.

"I'm still in love with you," she whispered. Her voice shook slightly as she looked at Matthew.

He stared back at her, his eyes widening as she spoke. He didn't respond, as though her words had paralyzed him momentarily.

"I thought that I'd gotten over you, but when I saw you again, I knew I still loved you," she rambled, her eyes burning with moisture. "I just needed you to know," she murmured, looking away from Matthew's shocked face.

She couldn't tell if he was appalled by her admission or simply surprised, but she couldn't look at him any longer. Perhaps Lavinia had been wrong. She had been drunk after all.

Mary turned away from him, distancing herself from Matthew's continuing silence. She tried to steady her breathing, but her heart raced as she heard the sound of Matthew's feet shuffling towards her.

"_Oh, God, Mary_," Matthew said quietly.

She turned to find him much closer than she had expected, causing her to relax her arms at her side. With hesitation, he reached out to wrap his arms around her, hugging her against his chest.

"_I am so, so sorry. Do you know how sorry I am_?" he murmured into her hair.

Mary sniffed, burying her face in Matthew's shoulder. He smelled just as she remembered, the same as he always did.

"_Don't be_," she said, a few tears escaping from her eyes and falling on Matthew's shirt. "_It wasn't anyone's fault. If it was, it was mine_."

He kissed the top of her head, sending a chill down her spine.

"Mary, if there's anything I could do, I would," he said, his lips moving against her hair.

She pulled back, looking at him with surprise.

"Isn't there?" she asked, glancing at Matthew's mouth. Their faces were so close, she could almost imagine the taste of his lips.

"What can I do?" he asked seriously, furrowing his brow as he gazed at her.

Mary looked back at him for a few moments, her mind unfocused from the intensity in Matthew's eyes. Slowly, she reached up to touch her fingers to his cheek. He didn't pull away, but instead tilted his face so the corner of his lips brushed against her palm.

They seemed to stand like that for ages, Matthew's face only inches from hers. She was vaguely aware of the house nearby and music drifting across the lawn, but it hardly seemed to matter. His eyes were pale, but Mary could see the fire that burned behind them.

"Mary," he breathed.

She could barely hear his voice over the rustle of the wind in the trees and the sound of blood rushing in her ears. She brushed her thumb against his cheek.

Matthew sighed in relief before pressing his lips softly against hers. Mary wrapped her hand around the back of his neck, her fingers stroking his hair.

He kissed her more firmly now, even hungrily, as though he had been starving for her touch. Matthew tightened his arms around her waist and Mary pressed her body against his, as though trying to get as close to him as possible. His breath was hot and delicious, just as she remembered.

As they kissed, Mary couldn't remember the last time she'd been so intensely happy. And then, Matthew's phone rang.

"Dammit," he said, reaching into his back pocket for his mobile with one arm still around Mary's waist. Until Mary saw the caller I.D.

Lavinia.

She pulled away as Matthew swallowed, swiping his thumb against the phone before holding it up to his ear.

"Hello?" he answered, his voice anxious.

Mary could hear Lavinia's chirpy greeting, although she couldn't catch all the words.

"Hi," he said, not addressing her by name. "No, darling, it starts at four-thirty."

At the word "darling," Mary backed away from Matthew, her mouth dry.

"Yes, I'm sure. No, no, I don't mind," Matthew said, glancing at Mary, whose eyes were glassy with moisture. "It's been, um, interesting. Yes, I'll see you tomorrow."

He hung up, his eyes still on Mary's crumpled expression, but he didn't speak.

"_Please, say something_," she entreated. "_If it's only 'goodbye'_."

"I'm sorry, Mary," he said softly, reaching out to touch her hand.

She moved it out of his reach, angry tears filling her eyes.

"I'm such an idiot," she said, stepping away from him.

"Mary, don't-" he began. "Please, don't think I don't care about you."

She swallowed hard, trying to find the words to respond.

"Oh, obviously," she said sharply.

Matthew flinched, as though she had slapped him across the face.

"Please, try to understand," he said, his voice firmer than before. "You and I have a history, but Lavinia-"

"Oh, right, how could I forget about Lavinia? She's every-bloody-place I go," she replied bitterly.

"Did you expect me to drop her just because you suddenly decide that you still love me?" he asked, growing angry himself. "_You_ refused _me_, remember?"

"Do you think that decision doesn't haunt me every single day? You're the only man I've ever loved and now you're with someone else. How the hell do you think it makes me feel when I see the two of you together?"

"You had no right to spring this on me. Lavinia and I were fine before I saw you again. I was fine without you back in my life," he said, but his resolve faltered.

He paused, shaking his head. He met her eyes and Mary felt her own anger wane when she saw his expression. He looked as broken as he had when she had said she couldn't marry him.

"When I went to Manchester, I was devastated. For months and months and months, I could hardly sleep. I didn't eat. I threw myself into my studies. If I never gave myself a moment's rest, I hoped I could erase the memory of you from my mind. Every secret between us. Every kiss. But I couldn't. Even in a place I'd never been before, I would see and hear things that reminded me of you. A woman's laugh that sounded like yours. Your favorite book in a shop window. I couldn't escape you. And now, when I'm finally okay, you push in and tell me that you're in love with me again? You are the most frustrating woman in the entire damn world," he said. His words were biting, but his eyes were full of confusion.

"Yeah, well, I was fine too," she said. "I didn't ask for you to come back and remind me of everything I'd lost when I refused you. Don't think that I've had any peace since you left, you arse!"

Matthew sighed and Mary blinked back the tears in her eyes. Neither of them spoke for a few moments.

"_You were wrong about one thing_," he said finally, his voice quiet.

"_Only one? And what is that, pray_?" she asked.

"_I never would...I never could despise you_," he said.

Mary's chest felt constricted, as though it were in a vice. She swallowed hard, tears escaping down her cheeks.

"I should go," she whispered.

She wanted him to ask her to stay, for Matthew to wrap his arms around her again and kiss her again. Instead, he nodded and Mary felt as though her stomach had fallen somewhere around her knees.

Without another word, she turned and walked back to the house. As she crossed the grass, she couldn't stop herself from crying harder than she had in years.

Rushing through the back of the house, hoping to avoid any of the guests, she nearly crashed into Charlie Carson.

"Mary! Here you are! We've been wondering where you disappeared to," he said. His smile faltered when he saw her face. "Mary, _are you quite well_?" he asked kindly.

"_Of course_," she said tearfully. "_You know me, Charlie. I'm never down for long_."

She covered her face with her hands and Charlie wrapped his arms around her.

"_I know you have spirit. That's what counts. It's all that counts in the end. There, there_," he said, gently rubbing her back as Mary continued to cry into his shoulder.

* * *

[Downton quotes are italicized as usual. I'm not sure when I'll be able to update next because I'm going out of town in a few days, but I'll try to do it as soon as I can. You're all wonderful and I really appreciate all your comments. xoxo]


	12. Chapter 12

**Chapter Twelve**

Matthew walked to the village with a slightly tipsy Tom, his mind still in a fog from his conversation with Mary earlier.

"You alright, mate?" Tom asked, noticing Matthew's silence.

"Do you mind if I stay here tonight?" he asked.

"What's wrong with the big house?" Tom questioned as they entered the inn.

Matthew ran his fingers through his hair in an agitated manner.

"I, uh, can't stay there," he replied finally.

"Is it Mary?" Tom asked, letting himself into his room. "I noticed you both disappeared and she never came back to the party. Sybil was worried about her."

Without responding, Matthew frowned and followed Tom into the room, throwing himself into the armchair.

"Can I ask what happened?" Tom asked as he threw his jacket across the bed before sitting on the sofa across from Matthew.

"I'm a giant arse," Matthew replied.

Tom laughed.

"Well, I already knew that," he joked, propping his feet up on the coffee table.

"Thanks, mate," Matthew chuckled in spite of himself.

"But, what else happened?"

Matthew pressed his lips together, considering how much to tell Tom.

"Is Mary still in love with you?" Tom asked.

Matthew looked up from the floor, surprised. "How did you know that?"

"I saw her face when she walked down the aisle during the rehearsal. Like she wanted it to be her wedding," Tom said. "But I couldn't see yours."

Matthew didn't respond right away. Tom watched him closely, but Matthew simply stared blankly at the empty space in front of him.

"Is that what she told you tonight? That she still loves you?" he asked finally, still watching Matthew.

"Yes," Matthew said, his throat dry. "And we kissed."

Tom looked pleasantly surprised by this announcement, the corners of his mouth turning up in a small smile.

"You kissed her, or she kissed you?" he asked.

Matthew heard the delight in his friend's voice and clenched his jaw, unsure of whether he wanted to punch Tom in the face or shake his hand.

"I can't be sure," he said. "She was upset after she told me and I was just trying to comfort her. God, Tom, I don't know."

"Bloody hell," Tom said, letting out a low whistle. "Then what happened?"

"I got a call from Lavinia," he explained.

Tom's eyes widened even more. "She's still coming tomorrow, then?"

"What could I say? 'Oh, don't come to Sybil and Tom's wedding because I snogged her sister'? Sybil would murder me in the garden after the ceremony."

"I suppose so," Tom said with a shrug. "What are you going to do?"

"I don't know," Matthew said, looking at his feet. "I love Lavinia, but-."

"But?" Tom asked when Matthew hesitated.

"Mary," he sighed, looking up as he remembered the kiss.

It had been everything he'd ever dreamt of while he was in Manchester and the only thing he had wanted when he woke up in the morning. But she had broken his heart and he didn't know if he could ever let himself feel that way again.

Matthew got to his feet to chaotically pace across the room.

"You know that it took me weeks to force myself to care about anything, months to actually eat on a regular basis, and years to even consider looking at another woman. Mary tore me apart."

"I know," Tom said seriously.

"And now she waltzes back into my life, screwing everything up and making me question my own feelings for Lavinia. My own feelings for _her_," Matthew ranted angrily.

"And how do you feel about her?" Tom asked, trying not to look too amused.

"Mary is infuriating. She's cold. She's guarded and maddening," he rambled, running his hands through his hair, causing it to stand up in odd places.

He stopped suddenly, her words cutting through the silence. _I'm still in love with you._

"Do you want to know what I think?" Tom asked quietly.

Matthew sat down, clearly bracing himself for whatever Tom was about to say.

"Why not," he said, defeated by his own curiosity and confusion.

"Lavinia is a sweet girl," Tom stated.

"But?" Matthew prompted.

"But you're different with her than you ever were with Mary. You seem, well, bored," Tom said honestly. "There's no spark. No jokes. No passion. Just polite affection."

Matthew furrowed his brow, looking as though he wanted to argue with Tom, but he only said, "I do love her."

"But not like you loved Mary. Like you _still_ love Mary," Tom said.

Matthew scoffed, but Tom continued insistently.

"You and Mary, you're meant to be together. I've seen it for as long as I've known both of you. _And first this kept you apart, and then that kept you apart. But are you really going to risk it a third time? Because I'll tell you this: you won't be happy with anyone else while Mary walks the earth._"

Matthew sighed, meeting Tom's eye.

"I think you're drunk," he said, as though Tom's lack of sobriety would make his words less true.

Tom laughed, forcing Matthew to smile slightly.

"Drunk or not, you know I'm right," Tom asserted.

Matthew looked away again. He wasn't sure of anything anymore.

* * *

It was late morning as Matthew walked back to Downton. He'd spent a restless night on the sofa in Tom's room and had only woken up because Tom had started singing lyrics from My Fair Lady in the shower.

"I'm gettin' married in the mornin'! Ding-dong! The bells are gonna chime!"

Matthew rubbed his eyes, feeling like he'd only just fallen asleep. He pushed himself off the sofa, his entire body aching from the lack of sleep and uncomfortable makeshift bed.

"Bloody hell!" he shouted at Tom through the bathroom door. "Do you have to do that?"

Tom's response was to sing louder. "Pull out the stopper! Let's have a whopper! But get me to the church on time!" From the sound of his voice, Matthew could tell that Tom was grinning as he sang.

"Screw you, Tom!" Matthew called through the door before pulling on his shoes.

Tom laughed loudly. "See you at the house!" he replied jovially.

Matthew left, heading outside into the too-bright sun.

As he crossed the grass back to the big house, his eyes fell on Mary where she stood on the lawn by the wedding area. Her back was to him as she instructed the florist on where to place the flower arrangements.

He debated walking over to her. He almost wanted to, but he stood rooted to the spot, his eyes fixed on her.

In the early hours of the morning, when sleep still evaded him, Matthew had tried to figure out what to do. He knew he would have to tell Lavinia about the kiss. He couldn't lie to her, not even about that. But he wouldn't do it before the wedding. He couldn't spoil things for Tom and Sybil.

And Mary had already hurt him so much. Could he really risk it again?

"Matthew!"

Lavinia's voice cut through Matthew, his eyes still on Mary. At the sound of his name, Mary turned, her eyes locking on his momentarily before she turned away again.

"Matthew," Lavinia repeated as she trudged up the lane.

He turned, forcing himself to smile even though he wished he could disappear into the gravel.

"Good morning," he said.

Lavinia kissed him, ruffling his hair affectionately.

"You look terrible," she observed, concern on her face.

"I stayed with Tom last night in the village. I forgot to bring anything with me," he explained, his eyes flicking to Mary, who was still facing away from them. Lavinia smiled, her own gaze following his.

"Oh, I want to say hello to Mary," she said, grabbing Matthew's hand and leading him across the lawn.

Matthew wanted to struggle. He wanted to turn and run back to the village. He'd even run to London if he could escape this moment.

"Mary!" Lavinia called as they approached. Mary turned to face them, her face pleasant and controlled.

"Good morning," she said.

Matthew saw her hands clench tightly against the clipboard she held as Lavinia planted a kiss on her cheek.

"The decorations are lovely," Lavinia said brightly. "It looks like a fairy tale."

"Thank you," Mary said, forcing a smile as she avoided Matthew's eyes. "You've arrived quite early."

"I wanted to know if I could be of any help," Lavinia said.

"How kind," Mary replied stiffly. "But everything's taken care of. I was just heading inside to check on Sybil."

"We'll walk with you," Lavinia said, smiling as she adjusted her bag.

"Here let me take that," Matthew said, taking the bag off Lavinia's shoulder. He needed to do something else with his hands other than hold on to Lavinia's.

"Thank you, darling," Lavinia said sweetly.

Matthew grimaced and he saw Mary visibly pull away from them.

"Why don't you two go ahead," she advised. "There's just one last thing I need to check."

"Are you sure?" Lavinia asked, glancing at Matthew as he hoisted the bag onto his shoulder.

"We don't mind waiting," he said, meeting Mary's gaze for the first time.

She looked away almost instantly, as though it caused her physical pain to look at him. Matthew realized that it probably did.

"Please, don't bother," she said, her words as tense as her body language. "Let us know if you need anything, Lavinia. Mama should be about."

"Thank you," Lavinia replied.

Matthew thought he sensed a question in Lavinia's words, as though she suspected something had happened to make Mary so cordial towards her.

They headed for the house and Matthew used two hands to carry the bag so he wouldn't have to hold Lavinia's hand.

"Heavens, this is quite a place," she observed as they walked in the front door.

"My room is just upstairs," Matthew told her, heading for the staircase.

"Did they grow up here?" Lavinia asked, in awe as she observed the architecture and decor.

"I believe so," Matthew said, his thoughts heavy with Mary.

"It's quite grand," she said, still talking even though Matthew hardly heard a word she spoke. "Has it been in the family long? Matthew?"

He'd been thinking about Mary and the way her shirt had lifted slightly in the breeze. The way her hair fell down her back. How she was beautiful without even trying. He forced himself to focus.

"Matthew?"

"Sorry, what?" he asked, swallowing hard.

"Are you alright?" she asked as he let them into the room he'd occupied for the past two days.

"Yeah, I just didn't get much sleep last night," he said truthfully as he placed Lavinia's bag at the foot of the bed. "Tom kept me awake. You know how he snores."

Lavinia laughed, seating herself on the bed. "Why did you stay with him, then?"

"I was too tired to walk back to the house," he explained. "I think I'll shower now. Do you need anything?"

"No, darling, thank you," she said, smiling sweetly.

He pressed his lips together in a forced smile before heading for the bathroom.

After turning on the shower, Matthew stood in front of the sink, staring at his tired face in the mirror. He hadn't properly looked at himself since the evening before and he could hardly stand to look at his face now. He knew he was going to end up hurting someone he cared about.

He loved her and he had to hurt her.

* * *

Mary stood in the corridor outside her room, her hands shaking as she reached for the doorknob.

Seeing Matthew again with Lavinia made her realize her own stupidity. How could she think that Matthew still loved her, when he'd had months to realize it?

But how could he kiss her like that if he didn't feel something for her?

"Mary, there you are," Anna said, approaching her. "What is it?" she asked when she saw Mary's face.

"Oh, Anna," Mary said, her eyes filling with tears.

Anna placed her hand over Mary's and opened the door, ushering her friend into the room.

"Is this about where you disappeared to last night?" Anna asked after forcing Mary to sit on the bed.

"Did everyone notice?" she asked.

"That you and Matthew vanished? Of course," Anna said, sitting beside Mary.

Anna's huge stomach made it awkward for her to sit on the bed. Under any other circumstances, Mary would have found it comical, but not today.

"What happened?" Anna asked after Mary didn't respond. "Matthew returned, but you didn't."

"We got into an argument," she said hastily, trying to brush it aside. "It was nothing."

Mary got to her feet and walked over to her vanity to search for something, although she didn't know what.

"It doesn't seem like nothing," Anna said thoughtfully, her eyes following Mary. "Not if you're this bothered by it."

"I told Matthew that I still love him," she said heavily.

She sat down at the vanity, covering her face with her hands.

"Oh, Mary," Anna said, pushing herself to her feet and waddling over to stand behind her friend. Anna gave Mary's shoulder a gentle squeeze before asking, "What did he say?"

"He loves Lavinia, not me," she said wretchedly.

"Did he say that?" Anna asked.

Mary paused, wiping her eyes as she tried to remember their conversation the night before.

"Not in so many words. But she's here now, so what else could that mean?" Mary asked.

"I don't know," Anna said gently. "What else happened to make you so upset now?"

"We...we kissed," Mary admitted. "But it doesn't change anything. How could it?"

Anna didn't respond for a few moments.

"Just give him a chance to figure out what he wants for himself," she said finally. "Because I've seen the way he looks at you. I refuse to believe that he no longer loves you."

Mary shook her head. "You didn't see the way he looked last night. The words he said to me. It's clear he'll never forgive me," she explained.

"Maybe, but give him time. _What I see is a good man_, Mary," Anna said gently. "_And they're not like buses. There won't be another one along in ten minutes time_."

Anna gave Mary's shoulder another squeeze before slipping out of the room, no doubt to check on Sybil.

Mary remained seated. She lifted her eyes to the mirror, meeting her own gaze in the glass. Her eyes were shining with moisture and she looked away, overcome by her visible weaknesses. She had no idea how she would face Matthew, face any of them, when it was time to walk to the aisle.

* * *

[Downton quotes are italicized. I know that up to this chapter I've only been working from Mary's POV, but I wanted to include Matthew's perspective in order to include the convo with Tom. I'm so sorry about the previous chapter-I hope this helps a bit. Let me know what you think and I'll update soon with the next chapter. Thank you for reading, you're all lovely! xx]


	13. Chapter 13

**Chapter Thirteen**

"It's time," Robert said through Sybil's bedroom door.

Mary looked at her youngest sister as Anna applied a final layer of hairspray.

Sybil looked lovely. Her dark hair was styled on top of her head, loose curls hanging around her face. Her dress glittered in the sunlight shining through the window.

"Are you ready?" Mary asked, blinking away the tears in her eyes.

Sybil beamed at Mary's reflection in the mirror before turning around

"I am," she said. Cora planted a kiss on Sybil's cheek.

"I can't believe my baby is getting married," Cora said tearfully.

"Oh, Mama, please don't make me cry," Sybil said.

"Don't ruin her makeup," Mary instructed.

Cora blotted her own eyes gingerly.

"You all look beautiful," Anna said. "I'll see you down there." After giving Mary's arm a gentle squeeze, she slipped out of the room, allowing Robert to enter.

"My darling girl," he said, crossing the room to Sybil. "You're so grown up."

"Papa, please," Sybil said, smiling as he kissed her cheek.

"Everyone is ready," he said, giving Sybil's hand a squeeze.

"And Tom?" she asked.

"He's waiting for you," Robert said.

Sybil grinned.

"Let's go get me married," she replied.

Robert led her out of the room. Mary, Edith, and Gwen followed. Mary's heart ached with anticipation and dread as they descended the staircase.

The front doors were open when they arrived in the hall. Cora exited, the sounds of the string quartet drifting in and echoing off the high ceiling.

The song changed and Sybil looked over at her bridesmaids as they gathered up their bouquets.

"That's our cue," Mary said, her stomach in knots. "Edith."

She exited first. Mary watched Edith head down the aisle as the guests turned to watch her.

"Gwen," Mary said when Edith was halfway to the front.

She nodded, adjusting the bodice of her dress before walking outside. Mary looked back at Sybil one last time.

"I love you," Sybil said, smiling at her sister.

Mary smiled, tears in her eyes as she turned to leave the house. She stepped into the light, the sun burning her eyes as she squinted. Her hands shook as she gripped her flowers and fixed a smile to her face.

For a few moments, everything looked blurry from her tears. As she approached the first row of chairs, her vision cleared. She saw Tom standing at the front, a huge smile of excitement on his face.

Then her eyes met Matthew's and her heart stopped. She forced herself to keep smiling, blushing slightly from his gaze. Matthew smiled at her and Mary's heart jumped. It only lasted for a moment, but as she reached Edith and Gwen, as she turned to face the guests Mary saw that Matthew continued to watch her even when Sybil and Robert exited the house.

She held his gaze for a moment longer before turning to watch her sister and Robert draw nearer.

Mary glanced over at Tom, seeing tears in his eyes as he beheld his bride for the first time. He stepped forward to meet her, Robert kissing Sybil one more time before joining Cora in the front row.

"You're beautiful," Mary heard Tom say, taking both of Sybil's hands in his.

Sybil smiled as they turned to face the minister.

As he began, Mary glimpsed Matthew looking at her over Tom's shoulder. She swallowed, trying to focus on looking happy for Sybil's sake, but her heart beat violently against her ribs and her stomach was in knots. She wished she knew what Matthew was thinking.

"Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today in the sight of God and these witnesses to join this man and this woman in holy matrimony."

Mary forced herself to ignore Matthew's gaze at her over Tom's shoulder, even though he watched her throughout the ceremony. This meant that he nearly dropped Sybil's ring when the officiant asked for the rings, he'd been so startled by Tom turning to him.

"With this ring, I plight thee my troth," Tom said, his eyes misty as he smiled at Sybil.

Hopefully the audience was as oblivious to Matthew's eyeline as Tom seemed to be, although Mary doubted she would be so lucky.

"You may now kiss the bride."

The guests clapped as Tom wrapped his arms around Sybil, dipping her backward as they kissed. Mary would have laughed at this display, but she was too distracted by the serious look on Matthew's face.

Once Tom and Sybil were upright again, they turned toward the guests, both grinning before exiting down the aisle.

Mary bit her lip momentarily before stepping forward to take Matthew's arm. Her heart raced as they followed the new Mr. and Mrs. Branson toward the reception area. She wanted to say something to Matthew, to ask him if anything had changed, but her courage failed her and he didn't address her either. At the first opportunity, she extracted herself from Matthew's side, joining her parents in the receiving line as they greeted guests.

Finally, it was time for the dinner and Mary was grateful to avoid Matthew once again. She sat at the head table between Sybil and Gwen as the sun dropped lower in the sky. Matthew was two seats away from her, on the other side of Tom, while Lavinia was seated with Isobel and a handful of other guests. Throughout dinner, Mary had sensed Matthew's attention on her, but each time she glanced at him, he was staring at his plate.

The plates were cleared and Tom and Sybil stood to dance their first song together. Mary saw the lovesick looks in their eyes as they walked to the dance floor and her heart ached as she listened to the lyrics. _"I have dreamed that your arms are lovely. I have dreamed what a joy you'll be. I have dreamed every word you whisper. When you're close, close to me."_

Feeling Matthew's eyes on her again, she turned her head to meet his eyes. His gaze was intense as he looked at her, but she didn't understand. Her throat felt dry and her cheeks burned. He didn't speak, but simply looked at her.

Mary got to her feet, directing her attention back to Sybil and Tom as she moved away from Matthew to the drink table.

She found herself a glass of water and chanced another glance at Matthew. Lavinia had joined him at the head table, perching on Tom's empty seat as she spoke with Matthew. She reached out to touch his cheek and Mary turned away, a sickening feeling in the pit of her stomach.

* * *

"Let's dance," Lavinia said.

"I'm rather tired," Matthew protested, his eyes searching for Mary. He saw she had her back to them as she spoke with Anna and John.

"Please," Lavinia requested, giving his hand a gentle squeeze.

"Alright," he caved.

Matthew stood, leading Lavinia over to the dance floor.

"It was a lovely ceremony," she said when he didn't speak right away.

"Yes, it was," he replied absentmindedly.

"Sybil's dress is gorgeous," Lavinia said wistfully. He murmured an agreement, clearly distracted in his own thoughts.

Truthfully, Matthew had hardly noticed Sybil or anything that had happened once Mary had come outside. He had felt his heart stop as soon as she stepped into the sun and he had known instantly.

It had always been Mary.

"Matthew?" Lavinia asked, pulling him out of his thoughts. "You're very quiet."

"I'm sorry, I was just thinking," he said truthfully.

"About what?" she asked gently, her fingers ruffling the back of his hair.

"It's-" He paused, his eyes flicking towards Mary again. "It's nothing."

Lavinia didn't speak as they turned. He wondered if she had noticed his gaze during the ceremony and where he kept looking now.

"Is it Mary?" she asked suddenly.

Matthew's mouth fell open slightly, shock on his face.

"Mary?" he asked hoarsely. "Wh-what about her?"

Lavinia looked away from him, her eyes brimming with tears.

"Are you still in love with her?" she asked quietly. There was no anger in her voice.

"Please don't ask me that," Matthew requested gently. "Not here. Not now."

She met his eyes and he saw that she was not surprised by his words.

"Don't treat me like a child," she whispered. "_I mean it, Matthew. Don't ever let me be a nuisance. Don't ever let me get in the way, please_."

"You know I love you," he said truthfully.

"I do," she said, blinking tearfully, forcing a smile. "But not enough. And I love you too much to let you end up with the wrong person."

She sniffed and wiped at her eyes. Matthew didn't respond.

"But the question is, what are you going to do about it?" Lavinia asked as the song ended.

"What do you mean?" he asked.

"I won't leave until the end of the reception, to support Sybil, but that doesn't mean you have to pretend anymore. Please, don't pretend anymore for my sake," she said.

"I'm sorry," Matthew said gently.

"I know," Lavinia said, her voice quiet. "But I want you to be happy. So go to her."

Matthew bent down and kissed Lavinia's forehead one last time. She smiled sadly and he turned away, his eyes searching for Mary. His Mary.

But she was gone.

* * *

Mary couldn't take it anymore.

As she had watched Matthew dance with Lavinia, she'd made her excuses to Anna and John before walking back to the house. Although Anna was reluctant to see her go and tried to dissuade her. No doubt she still thought Mary was wrong for doubting Matthew's feelings for her. But how could she possibly think anything else when he was still with Lavinia?

She closed the front door behind her, sighing as the looked at the empty space before her. The house had been kept open for the guests, but it seemed that no one was inside, not even any of the staff.

Mary crossed through the hall into the library, which was just as empty as the rest of the house.

She walked from room to room without stopping, unable to settle her restless mind on anything. She hardly knew what she was doing, but she knew she couldn't be outside. She couldn't see Matthew with Lavinia any longer.

After finding herself in the dining room without meaning to be there, she headed back through the entrance hall.

Mary stopped for a moment, closing her eyes tightly. The tension of the day had caused her to develop another headache. She pressed her fingers to her forehead as she realized she probably hadn't slept for more than eight hours in the past three days.

"Mary?"

At the sound of his voice, she opened her eyes.

Matthew stood at the other end of the hall, his eyes locked on hers.

"I was looking for you," he said, his voice echoing in the empty room.

"I, uh, came in to get some aspirin," she fabricated. Her hands were sweaty and they started to shake. "What is it? Does Sybil need me?"

Matthew pressed his lips together, shaking his head. The sound of laughter echoed through the front door, which was still ajar.

"_That was fun. There'll be a few thick heads in the morning_," he observed, turning his attention toward the door for a moment.

Mary wondered what he was doing there. Surely he didn't find her just to comment on the wedding festivities.

"_No doubt they think it's worth it_," she replied.

Matthew turned back to her, smiling slightly.

"Did you need something?" she asked nervously.

"I...I just wanted to apologize for last night," he said, wringing his hands together. He moved toward her so that they were only a few feet apart. "What you said-"

"What have I always told you? _You must pay no attention to the things I say_. Please, forget about it," she said hastily. "I know I have."

He furrowed his brow, his face serious as he whispered, "I don't want to forget it."

Mary inhaled sharply, confusion on her face. She didn't respond for a few moments as her mind tried to process his words.

"Are you really going to America?" he asked quietly.

"I spoke with Grandmama and she approved," Mary replied. "I just have to tell the rest of my family."

"When will you do that?"

"I suppose tomorrow. I'll figure out when to tell Sybil, although I doubt they'll be taking any calls while on their honeymoon," she replied, searching his eyes.

"_Would you stay...if I asked you to_," Matthew said.

Mary hesitated, surprise on her face.

"_Oh, Matthew, you don't mean that_," she insisted. "_You know yourself we carry more luggage than the porters at King's Cross_."

Matthew chuckled softly as he regarded her, his eyes gentle.

"And what about Lavinia? Isn't she waiting for you?" Mary asked.

He shook his head, looking up as though he found her question rather silly.

"It's over with Lavinia. I was wrong," he admitted, meeting her eyes again. "Mary, I've been so blind. Last night, when you told me you loved me, I was an idiot. I thought I couldn't possibly still love you, that we'd been through too much already, but I was wrong."

Matthew reached over taking her hand in his. He gently brushed his thumb against her skin.

"What made you change your mind?" she asked, her heart racing at his touch.

She still felt skeptical, as though she couldn't fully believe what was happening.

"It was something Tom said last night. _That I would never be happy with anyone else as long as you walked the earth. Which is true_," Matthew said, his voice soft like velvet and his eyes intense with longing. "_And...I think you feel the same about me_."

Mary blinked back the tears in her eyes as she realized his words were true. She swallowed, trying not to cry.

"But what about all the pain I've caused you? I rejected you and then lied to you," she said.

"Forget it," he said.

"_You mean you've forgiven me_?" she asked, surprised.

"_No, I haven't forgiven you_," he said quickly.

"_Well then_."

Mary pulled her hand out of his and Matthew chortled as he reached out to caress her cheek.

"_I haven't forgiven you because...I don't believe you need my forgiveness. You've lived your life and I've lived mine. And now it's time we live them together_," he said, a smile of tenderness on his face.

A few tears escaped down her cheeks, but she didn't care if he saw her cry.

"_We've been on the edge of this so many times, Matthew. Please don't take me there again unless you're sure_," she entreated.

"_I am sure_," he whispered, stepping closer to her. He brushed his thumb against her cheek, wiping away the tears that had fallen.

Mary smiled happily, her eyes shining with moisture. Matthew smiled, leaning his forehead against hers. She felt as though everything that had been weighing on her for the past five months had dissolved and she was left with nothing but Matthew.

"I love you," he breathed, his eyes locked on hers.

"You know how I feel about you," she replied, staring hungrily at his lips.

Matthew laughed quietly.

"You're always so stubborn about saying how you feel," he joked, brushing his nose against hers.

"I'd rather show you," Mary told him seriously.

Matthew's eyes flickered with excitement at her words.

"Show me," he whispered.

Mary stepped forward, stroking her thumbs against Matthew's jawline. He closed his eyes, smiling as he enjoyed her touch without guilt. She watched him for a moment, her heart thrashing against her ribs in anticipation as she leaned toward him.

Gently, she touched her lips to his still-smiling mouth. Matthew slipped his arms tightly around Mary's waist as she brushed her hands through his hair, his lips frantically moving against hers.

She reveled in the confidence she felt from his kisses. Unlike the night before, this happiness wasn't fleeting and wouldn't disappear with a phone call.

After a few minutes, Mary pulled away, disoriented and breathless from Matthew's touch. He pressed his lips to her neck, his hands resting on her waist.

"I want to show you something," she said softly, brushing her lips against Matthew's ear.

He leaned back, biting his lip as he looked at her, his eyes eager.

She chuckled, intertwining her fingers with his before leading him toward the staircase.

"Oh, I get it. You're going to 'show' me something," he said as she led him up the stairs.

"Shut up," she replied lightly, letting go of Matthew's hand to grip the front of his jacket.

She pulled him against her, kissing him hard on the mouth.

"Anything you want, your majesty," he said in a giddy voice.

She shook her head, laughing again as he took her hand once more.

They walked to her room. As she opened the door, Matthew raised his eyebrows suggestively, causing Mary to laugh again.

"You're such an arse," she said lovingly, pulling him inside after her.

Matthew grinned, stepping forward to kiss her again.

She pulled away after a moment and said, "I was serious. I want to show you something."

"Your room?" he asked, looking around, an impish look in his eyes. "I love what you've done with the place."

"Quiet," she said.

Matthew sighed, shuffling over to sit on the bed while she searched through one of her suitcases.

"What are you looking for?" he asked after a moment.

"Darling, please," she replied, rifling through her other bag.

She glanced at him and saw that he was smirking, obviously delighted to be called 'darling' by her again. She chuckled, finally clasping her fingers around the object she had been searching for. She stood, holding it behind her back.

"You must promise to not laugh at me," she instructed, her face serious.

Matthew frowned, concerned by her solemn manner.

"Of course, I won't," he insisted.

She walked over and sat beside him on the bed, still hiding the object from his view. Still, she didn't show it to him.

"I won't laugh at you," Matthew repeated gently. He wrapped his arm around Mary's shoulders, rubbing his hand against her arm in reassurance.

Meeting his eyes, Mary exhaled slowly before bringing the small velvet box into view. Her eyes were still on Matthew as he looked down at the box, furrowing his brow as he realized what it was.

"You kept it?" he asked quietly, reaching over to open it and reveal the engagement ring he had bought for her so many years ago.

"I know it was silly to keep it, but I wanted to have something to remind me of you," she replied.

Matthew gazed at her in astonishment. "I can't believe you kept it," he said, his voice thick with emotion.

"It was all I had left of you," she told him.

Matthew smiled, touched by her sentiment.

"Now you have me," he told her. "Forever, my darling."

He smiled before leaning forward to kiss her slowly.

"I love you," she whispered, her lips brushing against his as she spoke.

"I love you, too," he replied.

Mary smiled, resting her cheek against his, enjoying the warmth of his skin pressed against hers.

"I suppose we should go see Sybil and Tom off," she murmured, breathing in Matthew's familiar scent.

"Must we?" Matthew asked, pressing his lips against her neck.

"Unless you want them to come looking for us," she replied, getting to her feet.

Matthew stood, wrapping his arms around her waist again.

"You've made me untidy," he whined, as though that would deter her.

Mary rolled her eyes, smoothing Matthew's hair down.

"All better," she informed him. "How do I look?"

She turned her head to check her reflection in the vanity.

"Breathtaking," Matthew said sincerely.

She smiled at him, closing the ring box and setting it on her bed.

"I'll buy you something better next time," he said.

"Next time?" she asked, the corners of her mouth turning up slightly as she wrapped her arms around his middle.

"Of course," he replied. "You don't think I'll let you get away again, do you?"

"No matter how much we argue?" she prompted.

"I thought you liked a good argument?" he asked playfully.

Mary grinned. "Only with you, darling," was her reply before she kissed him again.

A sharp rap on the door caused them to jump, although Matthew didn't let go of her.

"Who is it?" he called, his voice contented as he brushed his lips against Mary's neck.

"Matthew?" Sybil's confused voice came through the door. "Is Mary, um, in there? I came to say goodbye before we left for the train."

Mary kissed Matthew quickly before slipping out of his arms and opening the door.

Sybil was no longer in her wedding dress, but instead was wearing a pale blue sundress and a sweater.

"Oh, my God," she said when she saw Matthew standing behind Mary. Her eyes widened with shock.

"Sybil, darling, please, let me explain," Mary said quickly.

"Are you back together?" Sybil squealed, looking between the two of them, happiness on her face.

Matthew stepped up behind Mary, resting his hand on her back.

"Yes," he said. Mary's eyes flickered over to him and he smiled at her.

"Yes," she confirmed, returning her attention to Sybil.

"Bloody hell!" Sybil shouted. "Tom! Tom they're back together!"

"Do you have to be so loud?" Mary grimaced.

Matthew rubbed her back, chuckling softly beside her.

Tom appeared from around the corner, excitement on his own face.

"I knew it! I knew you still loved her," he said to Matthew, clearly pleased that he had been right.

"Yes, yes," Matthew replied shortly. "Don't you have somewhere else to be?"

"Oh, ho, sorry. I didn't realize-" Tom laughed.

"Are you twelve?" Mary asked imperiously.

"We couldn't leave without saying goodbye," Sybil said, stepping forward to hug her sister. "I want to hear _all_ the details when we get back," she added to Mary in an undertone.

"Whatever you want," Mary said, releasing her sister.

"I'm so pleased for you both," Sybil told them.

"I knew it!" Tom added.

"_Are_ you twelve?" Matthew asked his friend.

Sybil grabbed her husband's arm as he stuck his tongue out at Matthew.

"Come on, Tom," she insisted, dragging him away.

"I bloody knew it," he interjected, casting a glance back at Mary and Matthew.

"I know," Sybil replied, laughing as they walked away.

Matthew nuzzled his face against Mary's neck, wrapping his arms around her from behind.

"I've been so jealous of Sybil lately. And, dare I say it, even Edith," Mary admitted quietly. "They both had someone who they could share their lives with, but I didn't."

Matthew pulled away, turning Mary around to face him.

"Darling, I'm so sorry," he said, touching his fingers to her cheek. "Now you have me."

Mary smiled at him and said, "I know I do. I just feel rather infantile for letting it affect me so much."

"You have no reason to ever feel that way again," he replied gently.

She kissed him quickly, realizing the door to her room was still open. She heard the sound of guests coming inside after seeing Tom and Sybil off.

"Should you go say farewell to your mother?" Mary asked. "And what about Lavinia?"

"She said she would leave at the end," he said, his eyes searching hers. "Please believe me when I say that you needn't feel guilty about anything."

"I don't, darling," she replied. "I only want to ensure that you don't."

He sighed, walking over to sit on the bed once more. Mary closed the door before seating herself beside him.

"My only regret is that I didn't understand myself sooner," he said finally. "I've hurt both of you tremendously and I wish I could change that. But Lavinia...she knew my feelings before I did."

"You talk in your sleep," Mary said. "She told me."

"When was this?" he asked with surprise.

"At Sybil's hen party, when Lavinia was drunk," Mary admitted, laughing softly. "She told me that you still loved me. You say my name in your sleep."

"Bloody hell," he said, rubbing his hand against his face.

"I'm surprised she didn't cut you loose sooner," she replied, resting her hand on his knee.

"I really am a fool."

"Well, we all know that," she said playfully, kissing him again.

Matthew chuckled, leaning into the kiss as he rested his hands on her waist. He pulled away after a few moments, his eyes cautious as he spoke.

"Can I stay here with you?" he asked, running his thumb against her skin.

"You'd better," she replied, tugging on his tie.

He grinned, his eyes mischievous as he leaned forward to kiss her. Mary leaned back against the pillows, her heart thudding against Matthew's chest.

As she breathed him in, she finally allowed herself to enjoy the happiness that had evaded her for so many years.

* * *

[Downton quotes are italicized, of course. And psst, go read the Epilogue. And review, review, review! xoxo]


	14. Epilogue

**Epilogue**

_[Six months later]_

Matthew rolled over in bed, his eyes opening and immediately falling on Mary. She shifted in her sleep, the early morning sun glinting off her engagement ring as her arms brushed against his chest. He sighed, brushing his thumb against her cheek as he enjoyed the warmth of her skin. She didn't stir, although a small smile appeared on her face as she slept.

He watched her sleep for a few more moments before slipping out of bed, careful not to wake her as he searched for his pajama bottoms. After pulling them on, he slipped out of their bedroom to go make his early morning coffee.

As he waited for the water to boil, he glanced over at the box sitting on the kitchen table where Mary kept all their wedding plans. He almost couldn't believe that, after everything that had happened, they would be married in a few short days.

Matthew had wanted to propose to her since the night of Tom and Sybil's wedding, but he forced himself not to ask her for nearly three months. It wasn't because he believed Mary would say no. He had known she would say yes the minute she had said "Next time?" But he didn't want anyone to think that his feelings for her were not genuine. He'd loved her longer than he realized.

_They were walking through Hyde Park late in September. The tips of the leaves were just beginning to turn as an autumn chill had fallen on the city. Mary linked her arm in his for added warmth, as the jacket she wore was much too light._

_"Did you see that Sybil's pregnant already?" Mary asked as they walked._

_"They certainly didn't have to wait very long," he replied, covering her icy hand with his own._

_"No doubt Tom's going to want to name it after some footballer if it's a boy," she joked, although Matthew noticed a wistful tone in her voice._

_"I just hope she doesn't let him name it after a comic book character. I don't think Iron Man Branson is a name that would make many friends in primary school," Matthew replied._

_Mary laughed quietly, but Matthew still sensed her yearning for something._

_"I want to thank you for being so patient with me," he said after a lapse in the conversation._

_"Whatever do you mean?" she questioned, glancing over at him as they walked._

_"You gave us time to get reacquainted without questioning my feelings for you. You've been absolutely splendid. You even let me move in with you," he said._

_"Well, I couldn't let you live in a box beside the Thames, could I?" she joked._

_Smiling, Matthew leaned over and kissed her cheek softly._

_"Do you remember what I said the night of Sybil and Tom's wedding?" he asked._

_"That you're an idiot, yes, I recall," she said with a smile._

_Matthew chuckled._

_"No. '_You've lived your life and I've lived mine. And now it's time we live them together'_," he said, slipping his arm out of hers as he reached into his coat pocket._

_Mary smiled and Matthew saw tears in her eyes as he knelt down, taking her hand in with one of his own._

_"Mary, _will you do me the honor of becoming my wife_?" he asked, holding out the ring in his other hand._

_"_Yes_!" she said happily._

_Matthew slipped the ring on her finger before getting to his feet. She leaned forward, kissing him hard on the mouth. He wrapped his arms around her as she pulled back with a laugh. Grinning, he lifted her off the ground and spun her in a circle, oblivious to the tourists and runners who passed them by._

"Darling, why didn't you wake me?" Mary asked sleepily, pulling Matthew out of his reverie.

He smiled as she crossed through the living room towards him. She hugged her dressing gown around her, apparently bothered by the chill of the room.

"You were sleeping," he said, kissing her forehead when she reached him. "I didn't want to disturb you."

"You're very thoughtful, but you know I have a lot to get done today," she reprimanded him gently as he wrapped an arm around her shoulders. "I have to confirm with the caterer for Saturday and Sybil's dress has to be let out, so that'll be fun."

She sounded cross. Matthew rubbed her shoulders gently, wishing he could help her more.

"I thought Sybil made you promise to force her to plan your wedding," he said, reminding her of the day before Sybil and Tom's wedding.

Mary sighed, looking up at him. "Well, it's a bit difficult to plan a wedding with morning sickness," she said. "We knew she'd be quite big at this time, but no one thought she would be the size of a small island."

Matthew chuckled, brushing his lips against hers. Mary relaxed in his arms, running her fingers against his chest.

"I wish I could stay with you all day," he said contentedly. "Just a few more days and then we'll have an entire month to ourselves."

"Are you sure the firm can spare you for so long?" she asked him for the thousandth time.

"Of course they can," he assured her. "It'll be just you and me in Cannes, laying on the beach and going to the theater."

Mary laughed. "Do they have nude beaches in Cannes?" she joked.

"Okay, so we'll order a lot of room service," he revised, his ears turning pink.

"Mm, that sounds better," she murmured, wrapping her arms around him.

"Four more days," he said.

"Oh, damn," she said, pulling away. "Four days!"

She darted out of the room, presumably to dress for her busy day. Matthew grinned to himself as he finished preparing his coffee, singing quietly as he waited for the grounds to brew.

* * *

Mary stood at the top of the stairs, hidden from view by the wall, her heart thudding in anticipation as Anna looked her over one last time. Robert was at her side, waiting to lead her to her fiance.

"Are you ready?" Anna asked, adjusting Mary's veil.

"Yes," she said, the sound of the wedding march drifting up to meet her. "The snow didn't deter any of the guests?"

"I don't think so," Robert replied. "It's time."

Mary nodded, her eyes shining happily as she took Robert's arm.

Anna descended first and Mary followed with her father. The guests turned in their seats as they walked into view. The entrance hall decorated to look like a winter wonderland, but Mary didn't notice the decorations. As they reached the ground floor, Matthew turned his head to watch Robert lead her down the aisle.

Mary's heart leapt and Matthew smiled at her as they drew nearer.

"_You came_," he said playfully, taking both of her hands in his when she reached him. "_To be honest, I wasn't sure you would.__"_

Mary smiled. "_I'm glad to hear it_," she replied. "_I should hate to be predictable_."

He grinned at her and they turned toward the minister.

Mary's heart pounded throughout the ceremony as she clung tightly to Matthew's hand. She felt anchored by his physical touch and the knowledge that he would soon be her husband.

"I, Mary, take thee, Matthew," she began, gazing up at him as she repeated after the minister. "To have and to hold, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death parts us."

Matthew repeated the same lines, his eyes shining with happiness as he smiled back at her.

"You may now kiss the bride."

After a moment of pleased hesitation, Matthew stepped forward and wrapped his arms around her as he kissed her slowly. Mary could hardly hear the applause of the guests over her own happiness, her hands resting on his cheeks.

"I love you," he whispered, his forehead against hers. She smiled as the minister formally introduced them to the guests.

"Mr. and Mrs. Crawley," he said.

Mary beamed. She felt as though she were floating as she and Matthew walked up the aisle together.

He pulled her aside as the guests began to stand, kissing her again.

"Hello, Mrs. Crawley," he said quietly, so only she could hear him.

"Hello, Mr. Crawley," she replied, brushing her thumb against his jaw.

Matthew sighed with yearning as the guests began to approach them and offer their congratulations. He wrapped his arm around Mary's waist, sneaking kisses whenever there was a lull in the procession.

Mary smiled contentedly, her heart full as she reveled in the fact that, after all the mistakes they had both made, Matthew was finally her husband.

THE END.

* * *

[Thanks so much for reading! I've really enjoyed writing this fic and I know a lot of you have enjoyed reading it. Hopefully this isn't my last M/M AU, but I'll probably be taking a break for a while. I appreciate all of the feedback you guys have given me. Bless the AU where our OTP can live happily ever after. xoxo]


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